Day Seventeen

As expected, I have been thinking a lot about the nature of giving and helping. When and where these two overlap, how they differ, as well as the process of seeking out opportunities to do so versus doing it just because. I have been struggling with the feeling of dis-ingenuousness about making a point to give or help each day. As though what I have to offer is less meaningful when I am - for all intensive purposes - making myself do it. That said, I have also noticed how incredibly easy it is to offer up some spare change for a good cause or donate the things I don't need to people who do. I am pleased that I am becoming someone who says 'yes' to giving.  Essentially, I simultaneously feel guilty and proud. Some days I feel like have done more and others, not so much.  I feel guilty for my pride or guilty that I haven't done enough. The key word here seems to be guilt. I should revisit this.

I have also noticed that in the last few weeks, I have returned to some of my patterns of negativity.  I am most aware of it when I hear myself complaining or while unnecessarily shouting and swearing at other drivers. In these moments,  I think to myself "How is it that I am able to do good for people I don't know but cannot offer patience, respect, or forgiveness for the old lady in the parking lot today who was honking at me so I'd know not to back out into her as she drove by, but wasn't actually driving, just sitting there honking, consequently making it impossible for me or anyone else to get out of the parking lot? How?" 

This led me to thinking about more extravagant methods of giving. Those folks who start charities for life-threatening diseases, attend black-tie dinners to help dwindling populations of animals, or build wings of children's hospitals.  Philanthropists: people who give...a lot...because they can and presumably want to.  Since the true meaning of philanthropy is "the love of humanity", it is natural to assume that those who engage in such forms of giving truly hold this idea close to their hearts.  I believe that many of them do.  However, given my own recent experiences with both giving and calling elderly drivers the vile 'B' word, I realize that there can be a significant disconnect between doling out money, no matter the amount, and inherently being a good person. This is not a ground-breaking revelation, I know, but it was certainly eye-opening given that only two months ago I was working on being a less negative person. Yet, here I am this month, trying to be a better person in a new way and inadvertently backsliding on my previous goals. So, while it may not be a profound realization about humanity, it is an important awareness to carry with me as I move forward in the remaining days of this month. 

Good God. Self-reflection is exhausting.