Day Twenty-nine

Done and done.

Here is what I noticed: over the course of the last 29 days I was struck by how difficult it was to remember that there was something very specific I was supposed to do.  Particularly since I was on summer vacation. I really didn't have much to keep track of.  It is interesting to think about habits in that way.  Maybe, by nature, a habit is something that is not intentional, making it hard to force one upon one's self.  I guess the goal-or intention-would be ritual.  This takes some sort of devotion, diligence, and patience I suppose, whereas a habit seems to be something that manifests. In some instances, they are probably not mutually exclusive.

I am also intrigued by how not therapeutic it all was. Maybe this is the ritual part of it. When expected to 'perform' each and every day, the mental benefit is muddied a bit. I am also aware that it could have been more so, and I am a little disappointed in myself about this. For example, today's stand was actually a series: a  hand stand, head stand, and forearm stand. I waited until I got home from yoga to do them, so I would be warm and wouldn't hurt myself. I asked Jesse to take pictures so I could have some documentation. I became amazingly irritated-and totally aware of how counter productive it all seemed-by small things impeding the picture taking process. I becoming very upset, and snappy, all for the sake of my last stands. That hardly seemed like the point of all this.

Nonetheless, I will accept it as an awareness. I will contemplate what this says about me as a person. How does this reflect the way in which I walk through my days?  My life?

I will also say though, that my various stands got so much better. While I still use the wall as a guide, I have a lot more strength to keep my balance once I separate from the wall. Maybe this is what I should be reflecting on. In fact, I am most proud of the most recent pose I did. It is called Scorpion Pose. It is not quite the full pose (http://images.teamsugar.com/files/upl1/1/12981/29_2008/scorpion.jpg) but I got very close. I had never been able to do that until today. In my Saturday yoga class I was almost able to do it on my own, so I practiced when I got home. Then today, I did it! Part of my above mentioned irritation came from the fact that Jesse didn't seem to get a picture of that exact moment.  I suppose that made it all the more about 'the process' and 'being present' and 'staying in the moment.'  Essentially, all that is Yoga.

In any case, it was an immensely satisfying accomplishment.  I guess I couldn't have asked for a better way to end these twenty and nine days.

With that, I'll see you September 1st!

Day 20

Today's handstand was in yoga. It was nice not having to remind myself-and just let someone tell me when.
The other night I was lying in bed, about to go to sleep, when I remembered I hadn't done one yet. I contemplated not doing it and was overcome with a looming sense of disappointment in myself if I didn't. I was so annoyed. There have a been more than a few times where I have done a last minute stand, but this was the first time I felt put out. I had to get out of bed, find a wall to kick up against and grudgingly, just do it.

It is so much easier in yoga class. For one thing, my body is warmed up and anticipating activating my arms, shoulders, and core to achieve blissful balance. Secondly, the floor is clean.  While there may be stray sweat droplets nearby, it is not covered in dirt, dog hair, crumbs, and dust.  Thirdly, there is vast amounts of space. So much wall space! At home, I have been kicking up against the front door because that is the only place in the house where there is nothing on the wall and I won't kick anything on my way up.  That space is quickly invaded-of course-by two dogs who are overjoyed that my nostrils are now at tongue level.

I'm not complaining.

It is just another awareness.

I still have nine more days. While I have enjoyed the practice at home, it isn't the same as being in class. I'm not quite sure how to be okay with that, or if I need to be. It also makes me question how successful I will be with next month's goal. This is very discouraging!

Maybe I just need to keep my house clean.

Day Thirteen

I have not done today's stand yet. I have noticed how much harder it has become to do them each day though. Even after the intention I set for myself at the beginning of the week, it seems that - even more so than before - I find myself scrambling at 11:30 at night to quickly flip-up. I then resolve to do it first thing the next morning. Of course, when morning comes around, I first want coffee, breakfast, and soon I forget all over again.

What does this say about me I wonder,  that I allow a lot of insignificant things to get in the way of this single act. They are excuses really, but yet I don't use excuses for much more time consuming and physically daunting activities. Is it simply that I have not made it routine? Or is it that I haven't 'used' it as it was originally intended, and therefore I am not seeing any benefit? Or maybe I am expecting too much product and am not finding joy in the process. I think that may be it.

So for today, I will focus on the journey not the destination.

Day 8

So far, success!

Here is what I have noticed:
There were a few days where I felt I was taking hand/headstand purely to go through the motions. I'd be out the door and think to myself, "I won't want to do this when I get home, so I should just do it now." and flip up a few times. This is completely counterproductive. How am I supposed to relax, reflect, or just be, when I am rushing through it.

So, for my remaining days, I'm going to add on to my goal.  Each time I head/handstand, I plan to do so with some intention. This means consciously thinking about what and why am I performing this gesture to myself. I know why I run, why I get my hair done, indulge in expensive chocolate, or take long showers. This practice should have the same sense of purpose and meaning. That was the point of it all in the first place.

Day Two

This morning I did a headstand.

I have yet to perform such a feat without balancing against a wall, however, this was my first action of the day.  I knew today would be challenging and I thought that it would better to begin the day with a sense of strength and stability than waiting until I needed it.

Today my headstand supported:

-fasting for 12 hours in order to have my blood drawn first thing in the morning.
-not drinking coffee first thing in the morning - thanks to the blood work - I didn't have caffeine until 11 am. Aside from feeling incredibly sleepy, and rudely yawning at the boy taking my blood, it wasn't all that bad.
-hanging out in the waiting room with nothing to read or do for over an hour. I had to just be. I also had to work on 'enjoying' that.  
-finalizing work for my credential program. This meant sitting on my ass all day reflecting on my growth as a teacher. This is particularly hard when I'm on summer vacation.
-being alone. Jesse won't be back until Thursday night.
-the humidity. I love L.A. but...

and in the end, I had dinner with a lovely group of brand new people. I met good people tonight. They were an eclectic group, whom I think may be very different than me in some respects, but nonetheless are good people. It was lovely.

Day One

While waiting for my annual physical at the doctor's last week, I perused the riveting assortment of magazines available in the exam room.  Yes, the exam room.  Not even the waiting room! I wonder if the better reads end up there because people carry them along in anticipation of more waiting, or if they simply are the dregs of the selection that don't make it into general public view; akin, I suppose, to bathroom reading material vs coffee table books.  In any event, this is how I stumbled upon a Woman's Day.

I started to read a short piece chronicling a year in the life of a thirty-something, recently divorced, mother of two. The author (the newly single mom) segmented the article by season and titled each according to her overall outlook on life at the time.  These were hokey gems such as 'Spring: Reflection and Rebirth'. The story carried on, maintaining a level of cheese that was beginning to elicit my own running commentary.  I found it especially irritating as she began talking about her discovery of yoga. As a side note, this was an interesting awareness I had of myself, as I have always believed that yoga is something everyone in the world should take part in.  As expected, over the course of a season or two, winter and spring I believe, she found her practice to be more and more healing.  The article was quickly building up to the heavy handed 'yoga as a metaphor for life' conclusion.  At this point, I was feeling very annoyed. I was rolling my eyes, scoffing, and pausing only to think "...how incredibly judgmental of me, maybe I need to work on this..." when she said something I didn't expect. After detailing her journey to accomplishing her first handstand, which occurred rather spontaneously in the park one afternoon, her thought to herself was, "I can support myself."

This is what clicked.

For her, this meant "I can be alone, I can be strong, I can be a single mother, and so on..."  It was the notion of a handstand being a physical act of strength that symbolized her own emotional stability. It is not a ground breaking revelation, I know, in fact I don't think it is a revelation at all but a fundamental principal of practicing yoga.  But as I began to consider this idea of 'support' I came to think of that same act of strength as the act of carrying one's own weight. Not my poundage of course, but my emotional carry-all , my mental load, my never ending To-Do list. These are all things I am not willing to let go of (which may be another issue some day) so it seemed a novel idea to shift my physical perspective in order to support my psychological well-being.

With that, I resolved to make use of my broad shoulders and big hands as a way to hold myself up each day.

And so begins, 29 days of yoga inversions: head and handstands.