I had a successful small talk with someone at Trader Joe's. I have come to realize that one of my reservations about chatting someone up is that it will be interpreted as flirting. Even as I say that, I'm not really sure why I would even care. If I'm not, why does it matter if some random dude at the grocery store, or in line at Target, thinks I'm trying a line on him? I'm sure that part of this stems from the fact that I often assume if someone strikes up a conversation with me, that that is the intention. I think this is because I usually feel so uncomfortable by these simple interactions that I misconstrue it as awkward flirtation. This may be an indicator of some deeper rooted issues, such as intimacy and attachment. I don't really know how to interact in these situations, and I don't really know how to flirt anymore either.
Something else I've been trying: saying 'Hello' to people I pass on my runs. I used to ignore fellow runners, again, I think because I was concerned that a friendly, fleeting smile would be misinterpreted as as an invitation for unwanted advances. What the hell is wrong with me? Well, I have been running with a friend these last couple of months who is very good about greetings...and she greets everyone: walkers, cyclists, even groups of cyclists. She is very friendly in that way. I interpret this as an opportunity to acknowledge a bond with people of the same passion. To connect to a community of people who find peace of mind through pushing our bodies to the limit. I don't really know if this is why she does it, she may just be a nicer person than me, but that is what I am doing it. I enjoy that nod, the silent understanding that we are both on a journey to personal best. Therefore, it is particularly annoying then when people don't respond. I notice this with boys the most. Not men, but younger guys, maybe 25 and under. I'm not sure what this is about. Is it a feeling of competitiveness? Or maybe they have weird intimacy issues too.
Anyway, it has been sort of a funny experience to be on the other side of the awkwardness.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Day Fourteen
A quick update: I have been keeping up with my resolutions. Sort of. What I have discovered is that are a few that I always remember. I know exactly which day I am supposed to do what, and generally, I do it. I need some reminders for the others. I have a calendar next to my bed to help jog my memory, but it doesn't always do the trick. I am beginning to realize, however, that the resolutions I am consistent with are probably the ones that matter most to me. I make sure to clean out my car on the 2nd. I put money into savings on the 22nd, I wear high heels on the 14th and remain gluten free on the 16th. In this way I have inadvertently discovered my own priorities out of the endless of list of things I want to improve upon. Hmmm. Good to know.
Another byproduct of this resolution-ing has been that some of my resolutions have developed into 'habits' or lifestyle changes' themselves. I have been a vegetarian for over a month, which means I eat my five colors of fruits and vegetables on a more regular basis. This has lead-or forced-me to make more meals for myself, both dinners and lunches. Most importantly though, I take extended breaks from my scale.
As for this month, going back to work made small talk much easier. It felt more natural to strike up a conversation with someone I at least have some familiarity with, but don't necessarily make an effort to ever speak to. This seems like a good place to start. I still, for some reason, have small panic attacks at Trader Joe's. I'm not really sure what this is about and sincerely hope this changes by the end of the month.
I seem to be more comfortable at the gym. I made a joke to guy next to me in yoga the other day, which he returned with his own joke. Then today I was walking out at the same time as another woman. As we pushed open the doors to the outside she commented on how chilly it was. I agreed. She then continued the conversation...and I effectively carried it! We chatted about the weather (incidentally, this was one of the tips from my 'How to Engage in Small Talk' readings) until we reached the parking lot, at which point we parted ways, saying "Have a nice day!" How lovely! I was so impressed with myself. I was also struck, in both instances, how unlike me it felt. I have never had an out of body experience, but these two interactions sort of felt like what I imagine an out of body experience to be. I felt like I was watching and hearing myself, but not necessarily in control. Totally weird. By that, I mean it is weird that something as simple as having a polite conversation with a stranger would take me to such a level of...fear, I guess? But I don't joke with strangers. Who the hell was that cracking jokes in the pre-yoga stillness of the classroom? That sounds like something my mother would do.
Uh oh.
Another byproduct of this resolution-ing has been that some of my resolutions have developed into 'habits' or lifestyle changes' themselves. I have been a vegetarian for over a month, which means I eat my five colors of fruits and vegetables on a more regular basis. This has lead-or forced-me to make more meals for myself, both dinners and lunches. Most importantly though, I take extended breaks from my scale.
As for this month, going back to work made small talk much easier. It felt more natural to strike up a conversation with someone I at least have some familiarity with, but don't necessarily make an effort to ever speak to. This seems like a good place to start. I still, for some reason, have small panic attacks at Trader Joe's. I'm not really sure what this is about and sincerely hope this changes by the end of the month.
I seem to be more comfortable at the gym. I made a joke to guy next to me in yoga the other day, which he returned with his own joke. Then today I was walking out at the same time as another woman. As we pushed open the doors to the outside she commented on how chilly it was. I agreed. She then continued the conversation...and I effectively carried it! We chatted about the weather (incidentally, this was one of the tips from my 'How to Engage in Small Talk' readings) until we reached the parking lot, at which point we parted ways, saying "Have a nice day!" How lovely! I was so impressed with myself. I was also struck, in both instances, how unlike me it felt. I have never had an out of body experience, but these two interactions sort of felt like what I imagine an out of body experience to be. I felt like I was watching and hearing myself, but not necessarily in control. Totally weird. By that, I mean it is weird that something as simple as having a polite conversation with a stranger would take me to such a level of...fear, I guess? But I don't joke with strangers. Who the hell was that cracking jokes in the pre-yoga stillness of the classroom? That sounds like something my mother would do.
Uh oh.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Day Four
Okay. I went to yoga today and it was amazing. Yoga is usually pretty amazing. I love my teachers. I am beginning to love all the folks, the regulars, who constitute a community that I am undoubtedly becoming a part of. I know their names. I know some of their stories. It is bizarre, as these are mostly middle-aged to retire-aged, who know one another outside of the gym scene. I am the dyed-hair, no kids, youngin' (comparatively) who slinks in for a few signature classes and some treadmill time. They seem suspicious, which may be my insecurities, but they are also so incredible kind. They ask me questions, they chat as if we know each other well because, after all, we've been part of the same community for almost two years. They make small talk. They strike up small conversations while stretching on our yoga mats or wave a friendly hello while climbing the stair master. They are so good at it, and I suck.
But then....
There is this dude. He is the gatekeeper, the guy who buzzes you in, hands you a towel, and greets you each time to enter the facilities. He is friendly enough. He sort of aggressively shouts "Hello" whenever I push through the turnstile. At first I took it personally. I assumed that his over-enthusiastic greetings were a mockery of my snotty-seeming shyness. I thought maybe he thought I was stuck up, or self involved, or "better than." I tried to be nice and respond in kindness to his loud hellos.
Then he tried to learn my name.
To enter the gym, you have to scan your card which - once accepted - opens the turnstile. When one's card is scanned, their name and picture show up on a screen that is monitored by the towel/greeting/gatekeeper staff. He would look at my name and try saying it. I got the usual "Hi-potty-yuh" a few times. Once I corrected him, he made an attempt each time I arrived, but he still never got it right. Each time I would remind him of the correct pronunciation and he made an honest effort each time he saw me. Then one day, he got it. It was like he was so excited, that now whenever he sees me, he shouts it. "HI HYPATIA!" It is nice, I guess, but it seems almost passive aggressive. Sometimes I won't say hello (well, actually I never say hello) but particularly when he's talking to another 'guest' and he'll make a point to shout at me as I'm walking into the gym room. Okay, I thought, maybe my lesson from this is to make an effort to make small casual conversation, even just a friendly hello, to people who are at work while I am on my leisure time. That is fair. I should do that. I certainly didn't want to come across (in my best bourgeois voice) as though I have no time for the help. However...HOWEVER...he is just being as ass now. For one, he now says 'hello' whenever he sees me, even if not in a natural greeting interaction. While I'm leaving and walking out of the building he'll shout a 'hello' and introduce me to his daughter. Or today, while I was on the elliptical, deeply involved in the book I was reading, he was barked 'hello' so loudly that it startled me. On top of these annoyances, he has cajoled another greeter person into doing the same thing. Now there are two dudes who mockingly say my name when I come to the gym. They use that tone that boys in middle school used for euphemisms for boobs "Nice teeth Hypatia" except now that tone is with my name. My name.
I find it offensive. Maybe that is my own deep-rooted issue, but they piss me off and I, very quickly, look past any opportunities for personal growth and just want to slap those snarky boys. So that is where my small talk will stop. Maybe at some point over these twenty and nine days I will find some benefit from being nice to them. But for now I will reserve my efforts for those who seem to truly care, or at least have some semblance of kindness and courtesy for those who are finding their way as a member of the community.
But then....
There is this dude. He is the gatekeeper, the guy who buzzes you in, hands you a towel, and greets you each time to enter the facilities. He is friendly enough. He sort of aggressively shouts "Hello" whenever I push through the turnstile. At first I took it personally. I assumed that his over-enthusiastic greetings were a mockery of my snotty-seeming shyness. I thought maybe he thought I was stuck up, or self involved, or "better than." I tried to be nice and respond in kindness to his loud hellos.
Then he tried to learn my name.
To enter the gym, you have to scan your card which - once accepted - opens the turnstile. When one's card is scanned, their name and picture show up on a screen that is monitored by the towel/greeting/gatekeeper staff. He would look at my name and try saying it. I got the usual "Hi-potty-yuh" a few times. Once I corrected him, he made an attempt each time I arrived, but he still never got it right. Each time I would remind him of the correct pronunciation and he made an honest effort each time he saw me. Then one day, he got it. It was like he was so excited, that now whenever he sees me, he shouts it. "HI HYPATIA!" It is nice, I guess, but it seems almost passive aggressive. Sometimes I won't say hello (well, actually I never say hello) but particularly when he's talking to another 'guest' and he'll make a point to shout at me as I'm walking into the gym room. Okay, I thought, maybe my lesson from this is to make an effort to make small casual conversation, even just a friendly hello, to people who are at work while I am on my leisure time. That is fair. I should do that. I certainly didn't want to come across (in my best bourgeois voice) as though I have no time for the help. However...HOWEVER...he is just being as ass now. For one, he now says 'hello' whenever he sees me, even if not in a natural greeting interaction. While I'm leaving and walking out of the building he'll shout a 'hello' and introduce me to his daughter. Or today, while I was on the elliptical, deeply involved in the book I was reading, he was barked 'hello' so loudly that it startled me. On top of these annoyances, he has cajoled another greeter person into doing the same thing. Now there are two dudes who mockingly say my name when I come to the gym. They use that tone that boys in middle school used for euphemisms for boobs "Nice teeth Hypatia" except now that tone is with my name. My name.
I find it offensive. Maybe that is my own deep-rooted issue, but they piss me off and I, very quickly, look past any opportunities for personal growth and just want to slap those snarky boys. So that is where my small talk will stop. Maybe at some point over these twenty and nine days I will find some benefit from being nice to them. But for now I will reserve my efforts for those who seem to truly care, or at least have some semblance of kindness and courtesy for those who are finding their way as a member of the community.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Day One-Two
So, I'm a day late. Yesterday was very busy, in a great way, but left me little time to sit with my computer. I felt very guilty about this, however, I came to the conclusion that it was better to allow myself time to think, muse, write, and edit rather than rushing at 11:00 last night.
This month is related to a personal growth goal. I don't really know if 'goal' is the right word, but something I want to improve. Small talk. I am ridiculously shy. I say ridiculously because I often have the desire to strike up a conversation with a random person, for whatever reason, but cannot muster the courage to do so. It is as if I know what I want to talk about (hence the desire to talk to him/her) but I don't know how to broach the subject. Instead, I stare (which probably makes me seem incredibly bizarre) while my mind is racing for a way to cleverly begin the conversation.
Other times people will start a conversation with me, but I have absolutely no idea how to carry it. In fact,just yesterday-as I was thinking about this twenty-and-nine-days idea, Jesse and I were ordering food at the wonderfully delicious Four Cafe. The guy at the counter initiated an excellent small talk strategy (yes, I've been researching methods) by asking us "How is your weekend so far?" My immediate response, even with the intention of making small talk, was "Fine, thanks." Jesse on the other hand dove right in. "Oh good. You know, I work on Saturdays so I was busy yesterday, but today is my day off, so I think we are going to...." I felt embarrassed and nervous and anxious. Part of me was thinking, "He doesn't really care! Stop talking! He was just being polite!" and another part of me was wondering "Why the hell I can't do that? Just talk."
One of my motives for this project is to improve the vibe I send to out in the world via my body language, facial expressions, and words. I have been told, and am well aware, that I don't appear to be the most inviting of people. I'm not smiley, chatty, or peppy. Some people call it 'mysterious' but really, I think it is more intimidating. My outrageous insecurities and neurosis that revolve around what others are thinking about me, lead me to be introverted and reserved. I manage to put people off by making them think that I think I'm better than them. Oh the irony. If only my inner monologue were heard loud and clear, then that guy who works at Trader Joe's would know that I really wanted to ask him about his tattoos because they looked new, or at least I hadn't noticed them before, which is strange because I knew he had tattoos, and I wonder if people are staring at me because my hair is sticking up from sweat or if I stink because I just came from the gym........instead of looking pissed off and unfriendly. Okay, well maybe not loud and clear, but if only people knew!
Well, I am the only person who can change that. The thing is, I get totally nervous starting small talk. Like today, at Trader Joes, with the guy with the tattoos-I chose his line because I have talked to him before and he is friendly and easy to talk to. Still, I had no clue what to say. I didn't know where to begin! This is why I came home and began researching strategies for small talk, because even with the best intention, it is still very hard! My initial research has been amusing, with tips such as:
Stand comfortably on both feet. Do not fidget. Look them in the eye when they speak or respond, though do not stare for more than a few seconds at a time, also remember to nod and shift your weight don't stand there like stone or that will kinda creep them out.
and
Avoid Stimulants: If you know you are going to be having a conversation with someone and you are nervous, drinking pints of coffee will make you edgy and erratic
Here is to making new friends, acquaintances, and contacts and establishing myself positively in my communities.
This month is related to a personal growth goal. I don't really know if 'goal' is the right word, but something I want to improve. Small talk. I am ridiculously shy. I say ridiculously because I often have the desire to strike up a conversation with a random person, for whatever reason, but cannot muster the courage to do so. It is as if I know what I want to talk about (hence the desire to talk to him/her) but I don't know how to broach the subject. Instead, I stare (which probably makes me seem incredibly bizarre) while my mind is racing for a way to cleverly begin the conversation.
Other times people will start a conversation with me, but I have absolutely no idea how to carry it. In fact,just yesterday-as I was thinking about this twenty-and-nine-days idea, Jesse and I were ordering food at the wonderfully delicious Four Cafe. The guy at the counter initiated an excellent small talk strategy (yes, I've been researching methods) by asking us "How is your weekend so far?" My immediate response, even with the intention of making small talk, was "Fine, thanks." Jesse on the other hand dove right in. "Oh good. You know, I work on Saturdays so I was busy yesterday, but today is my day off, so I think we are going to...." I felt embarrassed and nervous and anxious. Part of me was thinking, "He doesn't really care! Stop talking! He was just being polite!" and another part of me was wondering "Why the hell I can't do that? Just talk."
One of my motives for this project is to improve the vibe I send to out in the world via my body language, facial expressions, and words. I have been told, and am well aware, that I don't appear to be the most inviting of people. I'm not smiley, chatty, or peppy. Some people call it 'mysterious' but really, I think it is more intimidating. My outrageous insecurities and neurosis that revolve around what others are thinking about me, lead me to be introverted and reserved. I manage to put people off by making them think that I think I'm better than them. Oh the irony. If only my inner monologue were heard loud and clear, then that guy who works at Trader Joe's would know that I really wanted to ask him about his tattoos because they looked new, or at least I hadn't noticed them before, which is strange because I knew he had tattoos, and I wonder if people are staring at me because my hair is sticking up from sweat or if I stink because I just came from the gym........instead of looking pissed off and unfriendly. Okay, well maybe not loud and clear, but if only people knew!
Well, I am the only person who can change that. The thing is, I get totally nervous starting small talk. Like today, at Trader Joes, with the guy with the tattoos-I chose his line because I have talked to him before and he is friendly and easy to talk to. Still, I had no clue what to say. I didn't know where to begin! This is why I came home and began researching strategies for small talk, because even with the best intention, it is still very hard! My initial research has been amusing, with tips such as:
Stand comfortably on both feet. Do not fidget. Look them in the eye when they speak or respond, though do not stare for more than a few seconds at a time, also remember to nod and shift your weight don't stand there like stone or that will kinda creep them out.
and
Avoid Stimulants: If you know you are going to be having a conversation with someone and you are nervous, drinking pints of coffee will make you edgy and erratic
Here is to making new friends, acquaintances, and contacts and establishing myself positively in my communities.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)