Day Twenty-nine

This morning, at about 5 am, I realized that today was my last day. I hadn't anticipated today.  I hadn't been waiting for it.  Usually, my desire to break from the 'habit' leads me to a lot of thinking about the topic, such as what I've learned and reflections on the experience.  I didn't really do that this time, I think, because I wasn't anxious for it to be over. That isn't to say that it was easy all the time, but there was less pressure to "complete" everyday.

In some ways, I'm sad this is my last day, because I know that tomorrow, I will have a lot to be happy about. But, so it is....

1. Yoga. I know, I know, yoga always makes me happy. However, today was especially wonderful for three reasons: First, my teacher is back. I was reminded as to why Saturday mornings are my favorite part of the week; Second, my balance and strength were amazing. I think this is because I wasn't weighed down by the day, it was bright and early; Thirdly, I did something I've never done before, which is always an empowering way to start the weekend.

2. I think I found my next read aloud book. I was a little concerned about this because we finished Matilda and I had no idea where to go next. Thank you Lois Lowry.

3. Vegetable rolls and Spicy Tuna rolls. I visit Fish King about once a week for their Spicy Tuna rolls. I'm a little bit addicted to them. I also love their Veggie rolls, but they rarely have them. Today they did. I got both and ate both: one for lunch and one for dinner.

4. Haircut! Today was all about me. I got a lovely haircut from a lovely woman. We are going to add color next week.

5. Half-marathon prep. Since I can't tout completing a Half tomorrow (as my 29 days will be over) I will revel in the excitement of the preparation today. I picked up my race badge and free t-shirt today. I'm nervous and excited, but ready to achieve another first.

Upon reviewing my happiness over the past twenty and nine days, I see that I find happiness in food, exercise, and work.  My yoga/running routine keeps me sane. I love my job, a luxury I don't take for granted one bit.  And I love food. I used to be afraid to say that out loud and was envious of people who did. But I get it now and I'm not afraid.

What I didn't appear to appreciate enough (or as much as I thought I might) was my family. I really believed Bugsy and Oskar would be the highlight of every day. The things I appreciate about Jesse now are so ingrained in me, that I don't think to express them anymore. As consciously as I have been thinking about 'the positives', never once did the moments when I thought about how incredibly lucky I am enter into that. I don't think that is a bad thing. I think it is a level of comfort, ease, and familiarity with him. I have had many, many years to realize how lucky I am. Maybe, the other part of it is that I have found my relationship with him to be something I take seriously enough to not make public.  Once, very early on, a friend said to me that she knew this relationship was more meaningful and important to me because I didn't talk about every single detail with others. I didn't expose it, I respected it. So while, yes-on occasion, I will vent a bit-my relationship is one area in which I am rather private I guess, which, at the end of the day, is a good thing.

With that. I continue to love eating, exercising, and teaching. I also love my man and my dogs.

I also have no idea what to do for next month. Any ideas?

Day Twenty-Eight

1. A wonderful conference this morning.

2. There was a lot to do today and it all got done.

3. No All School Meeting. Sorry W. but sometimes, I need a break.

4. Arco. Always the perfect way to end the week.

5. Bugsy's birthday. We went to Target and bought new toys. We don't do this often because it is sort of a waste of money. The dogs are happy playing with toilet paper rolls and any toys we buy, Bugsy manages to destroy in 24 hours. But, for their birthdays we 'splurged' on some toys. I imagine this is what it is like giving kids gifts for Christmas. I wonder if parents feel it is unfair that Santa gets all the credit for the cool gifts, or do they just find immense pleasure from watching their children's joy?

Day Twenty-Seven

1. Today was better than yesterday.

2. Another successful conference before school. Two down...

3.  I had fun teaching math today.

4. Five mile run. My conference canceled and I got to run.

5. Dark chocolate covered caramel corn. I've been trying to limit sweets, especially in the evenings. I was craving some chocolate tonight and ended up eating the better part of a bag of this stuff. It reminded me of Molly's Matzoh Crack. Soooooooooooo good.

Day twenty six

there was nothing good about today. here's my best attempt.

1. it's oskar's birthday

2. the week is almost over.

3. i bought cute books at the book fair.

4. the la brea tar pits were cool.

5. i hate glee. today...i'm going to let that count as a positive.

good riddance wednesday.

Day Twenty-five

Today was better than yesterday. Today also seemed rather bland. Nothing momentous, nothing horrible (well there was one point where I my 4th graders made me want to cry, but that was me being sensitive)

1. Our journal prompt today was, " Billy Bob is obsessed with _______, describe his bedroom" One girl wrote about a boy who was obsessed with Doctor Who. She described his room as having Doctor Who sheets, the walls were the color of the Tardis, and there were pictures of Daleks everywhere.  It was rad.

2. I taught Fourth grade math for the first time in many months. It went really well. I won them over with a picture of Bender.

3. A student's response to a math test:
Is this shape a polygon? (yes) Why? (you're the grown up, you tell me.)
What a smart ass, but I laughed.....

4. A 'Save the Date' came in the mail today. Dave and JJ are getting married! And it isnt' the weekend of my birthday! (I already knew about the engagement, but the date was the surprise!)

5. I'm going to sign myself up for figure skating classes. I just have to find them first...

Day Twenty-four

It's funny. When things go 'wrong' it seems that the brain starts looking for all the things that have gone wrong, like some sort of cosmic proof that today is the the worst day. We don't do that with good things. I don't at least. I found myself doing this day (the latter) and finding that as much as I (sickly) wanted it to be 'bad' it never ended up being quite as bad as it seemed initially.

1. Carrying my five hundred bags out the door this morning, my coffee splashed all over, spilling on to a bag and my hand. I yelled - loudly enough that the neighbors probably heard - God Dammit! Charming, I know. The thing is, none of it spilled on me. It just splashed a little on my workout bag, which I don't mind if that gets dirty, and my hand. It actually was much more of an avoidance of disaster than a disaster itself. (I use the word disaster rather dramatically, because that is how every small thing felt today)

2. At about 4:00am this morning I remembered I completely forgot to do the one errand that I had intended to do this weekend: buy beads. This was followed by a series of anxiety dreams having to do with the project I needed the beads for, being a total failure. Usually, in such tight, emergency situations, I would just go out during the day and buy the necessary materials; but math was at 9:20 and I wasn't sure if Michaels would be open soon enough for me to drive there and be back in time. As the universe would have it, I had beads in my trunk (Thank you Scott) and there were a stash in a cupboard at school (Thank you Molly) and the activity went off splendidly. My lack of planning and preparation didn't hinder it one bit.

3. I was making copies during lunch and managed to jam the machine in about 8 different places. Then, soon after, I daringly decided to make packets in the machine...which I needed in 10 minutes. This also came after battling the printer to print a PDF with correct margins. After wasting so much paper printing, I for thought it a good idea to gamble on the copy machine which I had already managed to break at one point in the day. But, in the end, I got it all done: printed, copied, stapled, and taught. It was all fine.

4. During yoga I had no balance. I was toppling and wavering during poses that are commonplace and familiar. I was thinking about the symbolism of this, being off balance, especially considering my mindset of late. I realized though, that the reason I was having so much difficulty standing on two feet was because I was completely distracted. My mind was wandering the whole time.  I was thinking about work (which I do a lot during yoga, but am training myself not to) and ways to reach the kids. It was all inspired by my yoga teacher's initial talk, about the collective nature of yoga: how we all affect one another, our energy, our breath, our effort... It was really inspiring and as soon as she said I immediately started of thinking of ways to discuss and teach this to the kids. So, my mind was racing, I was completely unfocused and therefore off balance, but I think I have a great idea for an activity to illustrate a valuable point about working together and respecting other's space.

5. And something that was just great: my Saturday yoga teacher is back. She has been absent for almost three weeks due to doctor's orders of bed rest (she's pregnant) and not only have I been worried about her, I've missed her classes terribly. I saw her today at the gym. She's back! This tipped the scales tonight.

Day Twenty-three

I haven't been wishing this month would end, as I did in other months, but some days I wish I could just resolve that there was nothing good about the day. Other days, I can't seem to think of anything - good or bad - and then I remember something the following day that was so much more interesting (and satisfying) than what I had shared. This returns me to the notion of taking the small things for granted. I've also started to think about these 'good' and 'bad' things as the weight that tips the scale of my mood or outlook on the day. A few little cute, fun, happy things in the morning put some emphasis on the Good Day side, then one crappy interaction can make the Bad Day side some crashing down. It is hard to balance them out when one occurrence seems so hefty . And while maybe my mood shouldn't be so dependent on the small and relatively meaningless events of my life, ending the day on a sour note seems to undo all the other stuff. This is my own issue that I guess I need to start working on. I need to take the "small bad" in stride and not let it detract from any of the good. I can't let the negativity win!!! (oh but how it wants to sometimes....)

anyway:

1. I got up early for my run and it was fantastic. I was powered by all the Indian food I ate last night and the motivation of a half-marathon next weekend. I'm ready and excited!

2. Brunch with old friends. We never do brunch and never spend mornings with this pair. It was a nice way to catch up .

3. Couch shopping. I think we found it...actually a cute bundle of couch, love seat, and chair. I just have to convince Jesse that we've stopped looking...

4. House hunting. We aren't ready to buy, but I love walking around homes and imagining that I live there. We find ourselves debating over how realistic some of the homes are, even if we can't afford them, like "well, we'd need to buy a new washer/dryer" or "where would the fridge go?" or "I'd want this to be the family room, not the bedroom"

5. Getting in bed at 9:45 ready to go to sleep.

Day Twenty-two

1. Yoga with Cybelle.

2. Spicy tuna roll for lunch. This is one of my favorite weekend treats. Basically, I organize my weekends around yoga, running, and food.

3. Indian food. Nirvana in Monrovia. Deeeee-licious. I stuffed myself silly.

4.  Saturday Night Live. I am never awake for this! Finally!

5. Remembering at the last minute that I needed to pick my five. I would have been very upset if I had forgotten.

Day Twenty-one

1. Rice pudding. Homemade rice pudding.

2.  Feeling incredibly accomplished after an amazingly busy week/day. I got a lot done today. There is still a lot to do, but plowing through piles of papers and packets (I'm talking reading logs, spelling tests, journal edits, diary entries, DRA responses) in one day....felt like I made a small dent.

3. My after school run. Today, I needed it.

4. Spider solitaire. After my run, I came home, took a shower, and laid in bed playing solitaire for about a half hour while watching TMZ. It is currently my favorite way to fall asleep.

5. Mexican food, tequila, and 90's music videos on Youtube.

Day Twenty

1. Surprise Indian snack for breakfast, snack, lunch, and pre-dinner.

2. Spelling. I had the kids write sentences using words with the same rule, such as "My dumb thumb  is numb." One student wrote "A blue newt eats gooey poo"

3. Finishing the Ice Age. We are wrapping it up and I'm excited to move on. I think the kids have learned a lot. Or maybe they already just knew a lot, but they seem to be into what we are doing. I'm over it though. Time to get civilized.

4. Mean Hypatia? I was getting a little annoyed with the kids today and I started telling them "I don't want mean Hypatia to have to come out when we are doing something fun" One student said, "I've only seen Mean Hypatia once, and it was last year, for like two seconds" Ha ha! I thought that was cute. I feel like I'm mean all the time. I'm not sure if it is better that they don't interpret my behavior as 'mean' when I feel like I'm acting that way or if they don't take me seriously when I'm pissed.

5. Barry Brickell. Look him up.

Day Nineteen

1. Getting things accomplished. I have a bizarre and ever-growing To Do List at work. I crossed a lot off today...only to mentally add about 100 more things...but I get a lot of satisfaction from the process.

2. Surprise package from my dad. He sent me some belongings of my grandmother that he thought I would like. There was some beautiful jewelry as well as thoughtful mementos of my childhood.

3. Making my grandfather proud.

4. Pilates. I missed last week and it felt soooooo good.

5. Garnet Yams for dinner. I love yams...or sweet potatoes, whatever you want to call them. I forget how much I love squashes and rooty vegetables until they are in season and so wonderfully delicious. I don't think of myself as someone who loves fall foods, but yet here I am, currently in love with a yams, squash, and apples.

Day Eighteen

1. Morning Fog. It was gorgeous wasn't it? Spooky and enchanting.

2. Eggs for breakfast! I made myself breakfast this morning. I did this last year a lot but for some reason, this year it has seemed as though I don't have time. I make some eggs, watch the Fox 11 morning news (which is its own brand of ridiculousness) and drink my coffee. And, I was still the third person at work.

3.  Rhymes. Today in spelling, I had the kids come up with rhyming words to their spelling words. For example, bunch is a spelling word, and they thought of lunch, munch, crunch, etc... Then we got to stuck. I was hoping one student in particular would come up with the word 'duck' since he has a duck at home. I kept asking him for a word, hoping he'd get there. Eventually someone whispers to him and he goes, "Oh! The F-word?" I couldn't help but laugh because, did they really think that's what I was waiting for?

4. Stretching their minds. I read to the class from The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat. This is not a book meant for kids but I read it to them, artfully making it kid-accessible, and they loved it. That was exciting, but what was even better is that through their discussions, they were demonstrating all their knowledge about the brain. I was blown away! It was awesome.

5. Running. Today my run was hard. My head started to hurt a couple miles in and I was terrified that I would have an aneurysm and collapse on the sidewalk. I began imagining my body lying on the sidewalk where I probably wouldn't be found until the evening dog walkers started to emerge. Then I started to wonder, "When would Jesse start to worry? And when he did, what would he do? No one knew where I was. Would he come look for me?" But then, in the last mile, I became completely distracted by other - more pleasant - thoughts and the song I was listening to. All that badness melted away and the end was great. That is what I love about running.

Day Seventeen

I suppose it is a good thing that so many of the good parts of my day are at work. Then of course, I start to question if maybe I should have more things to be happy about at home? Or maybe my contentment with being at home is enough? Maybe I'm trying too hard.

 1.  An old student gave me a 'late' birthday card today. It was essentially a love note from a ten year old. So, so sweet and quite a flattering way to start my day!


2. First field trip confirmed! I can check that off my mental checklist.

3. Holiday performance choreographer in place. I can also check this off my mental checklist.

4. A successful science lesson, at least I thought it was.  

5. Couch shopping. We have been talking about getting some new furniture...grown up furniture...for a while. Tonight we started looking around and talking seriously about some pieces. However, I keep returning the the idea that, really, I want a house.

Day Sixteen

1. Pop music. I had 'Hollaback Girl' stuck in my head all night. I downloaded it so I could listen to it while running. I've resolved to listen to good/bad pop music while running to keep me pumped. This song is ridiculous. I had never listened to the words until today, and it is sort of awful, but now I know where the B-A-N-A-N-A thing comes from.

2. 11.45 miles. Good prep for my half.

3. An afternoon with Jesse. This was the result of our fight yesterday, but we took a drive up to Crystal Lake in the San Gabriel mountains. It was sort of lame, but the drive was beautiful. the colors this time of year are stunning.

4. Great gas mileage.  Driving down hill after our afternoon expedition boosted my average MPG. This is sick sort of pleasure I get each time I fill my gas tank. It is the most competitive I get...which, I guess, could be a lot worse.

5. Dinner with friends. Jesse made Indian food. It was delicious food, but not the best of his Indian food. Nonetheless, dinner with good company is always delightful.

Day Fifteen

1. Sleeping in. The alarm went off this morning - set for my usual weekday wake up time - and instead of snooze, I got to turn the damn thing off. I literally got out of bed and said to the alarm clock, "not today...."

2.  Yoga. My Saturday morning class is one of the highlights of my week. Like pizza, it's good even when it's bad.

3. You Tube videos. I spent almost three hours on YouTube today. I am not one of 'those' people, but I was so engrossed with searching for music that it literally sucked my day away, but in a wonderful, music filled way. All by myself in the computer room, I was reminiscing, dancing, laughing, grooving...I had a nice love affair with music this afternoon. I need to do this more often.
Here is some awesome stuff I found:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMGo7H5-a0A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybXSET6TP-A&feature=related\
this one i just love the image they have for the video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNWP_Pwd0jA
and this one is rad...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPtWh5XjiH0
clearly I was on a Beatles kick.

Okay, I think this is my favorite though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtdUGfVOvy4

4. Retail therapy at Target. I just went and spent...some of it I needed, some of it I didn't.

5. Being right. Jesse and I got in an argument this evening, and after trying very hard to be diplomatic and level headed I unleashed a bit. The thing is, I was right. It isn't that I am happy simply about being right, but about being heard and understood. So often in arguments, rationality, fairness, and understanding are clouded by our own anger or hurt, making it hard to communicate. And the worst part is, you know when it is happening. I know when I'm too upset to articulate or too angry to offer solutions rather than fueling the fire. Today, after the aggravating and unproductive back and forth, something that I said got through...and clicked. Good. This opens the door for growth...for both of us.

Day Fourteen

1. Diary of a Wombat. I read this for Reading Buddies today, it is such a wonderful book. I wish I had written  it.

2. Mad Lib Play. A group of 8 students and myself performed a quick rendition of Cinderella that was written in the style of a Mad Lib. It was brief, a little improvised, but wonderfully funny. My favorite was one sassy third grader providing the role of narrator reading, "When the Prince saw Cinderella he said 'Dang!'" She had just the right amount of drawl to the word that translated as "Damn girl. You Fine"

3. Old students. I love them and miss them. I have to learn how to let them go, and I have for the most part, but sometimes the familiarity of them: their humor, their interests, their quirks...makes me wish we could be together again.

4. Pay Day. A wonderful bi-monthly reminder that I don't do it for free. I love my job so much that sometimes I forget I get paid...but that direct deposit reminds me that I'm not that selfless...and also, makes it totally worth it.

5. Friday: Drinks with the girls then Arco. I love tortilla chips, which I ate in abundance at both establishments.

Day Thirteen

On my way to work, some asshole kept honking at me because I wasn't driving the way he wanted me to. I was so upset because I kept thinking, "How am I going to find positive things about today when I start it on such a crappy note?" This got me thinking about me predisposition to dwelling on the bad and not the good. Is it better then to take what I think of as negative and find what is positive, or beneficial, from the experience? I thought this might be an interesting approach to this twenty and nine days. I won't do it today, but it's coming.

1. Snooze. Nine extra minutes to sleep in and snuggle.

2. In math, we often talk about 'units'.  This is what the kids are meant to be counting, for example in a number stories about flowers, the unit would be 'flowers'. So while correcting the homework, my co-worker was asking the students what the unit was for the number story. It was supposed to be 'kids' but she was getting answers such as, soccer players or children...all essentially the same thing. She explained that as long as the unit was essentially the 'kids' referenced in the number story, that it was correct. One darling smart-ass offered "organic life form."  good one kid. 

3. Matilda. Miss Trunchbull announced, "The perfect school is one with no  kids" Ha ha! 

4. Inspiration. The book I'm reading is giving me all sorts of interesting Science lesson plan ideas. This is new,being inspired and excited about teaching Science...it's nice. 

5. Happy Hour with the boys. Jesse, Scott and I have been talking about doing this for a while now, and we finally did. It was nice. Catching up mid-week and feeling very grown up. 

Day Twelve

Today felt so mediocre. Nothing great, nothing bad.

1. Back in Black (the song)

2. Chickens at the farm. They snuck in through the fence are were taking a dirt bath.

3. New York, New York (the song)

4. Bugsy attacking my snot rags while I blow my nose.

5. The Man Who Thought His Wife Was a Hat (the book)

Day Eleven

1. Tuesday is my favorite day...the rest of the week always goes quickly after this.

2. I signed up for my first half-marathon.

3.  Kind words from my boss.

4. Feeling better and pushing myself to run today.

5.  The full moon.

I'm adding a sixth (because I can't figure out which one to cross out)

6. Knocked Up. Brilliant.

Day Ten

Today was a great day.

1. Sleeping in and starting work at 9:00.

2. A day of staff meetings. Which means reaffirming by commitment to education and Waverly.

3. Co-workers who make me laugh and proud.

4. Yogaaaaaaaaaaah.

5. The internet on my laptop works again. I don't have to steal from my neighbors anymore!

This was a great note on which to end the day.
"I'm letting morality get in the way of making money...I might as well go and be a teacher."
 - Jack Donaghy

Day Nine

1. The motivation to get up and exercise and the awareness that running probably would have killed me. So I took a nice long walk instead.

2. Relaxing on the grass with my boys.

3. 30 Rock.

4. Feeling better, tomorrow I may be human again.

5.The luxury of being able to take two days to just relax and get better. There were things I could have been doing, but nothing I had to do. Also, I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Day Eight

One week.

Many times I have found myself thinking, "It would be a lot easier to make a list of things that pissed me off today." or "How about a list of things that went wrong today?"

What is puzzling to me is that I find that I laugh or smile a lot at work and at home. The kids, the dogs, my friends, and Jesse all make me very happy. Why is it then that the things that go wrong are what I tend to dwell on? Is it that I take all the wonderful things in my life for granted? Sometimes I also think they are so fleeting, they are brief moments in time, that are hard to explain-especially in a daily list. But what I have also taken from this is that if I am not willing to take the time to 'share' these small happy things, why bother sharing the small bitter things? When snippy little thoughts unravel in my brain, I am more conscious to remind myself to not focus on it, not to dwell.  Obviously there are times when this has the complete opposite effect but, if nothing else, I am more aware - and sort of embarrassingly so - of my own tendency to be a brat.  

With that:

1. The absolutely gorgeous weather. I took the dogs out for a walk and it was the perfect blend of warmth and breeze. Days like this, I know why I live in Los Angeles.

2. Trusting that having a substitute teacher in yoga, and therefore an incredibly weak and kind of boring class, was exactly what my body needed to get over the my cold. (I had to really push to find something good about this. It was really not how I wanted to start my day.  I forced myself to find something positive about the experience because I felt so put out by it.)

3. Jesse is coming home early from work.

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the movie. So, so good.

5. Homemade gluten free oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I actually probably won't eat any of them because they are calorie-fat bombs, but the batter was good-at least what I could taste through my stuffy nose.

Day Seven

1. Creative kids.

2. The feeling I get when we sing songs from Sound of Music at All School Meeting.

3. I am becoming more organized at work.

4.  How Bugsy looks when he sleeps.

5.  Friday!! Arco, weekend, sleeping in.

Day Six

1. Free rice with lunch (after I complained)

2. Funny kids singing songs.

3. The sun is back.

4.  Spicy Tuna Roll for dinner.

5. CPR class ending early.

Day Five

1. Kids who are growing on me.

2. The rain. The sound, the smell, the drops on the window.

3. Not having to be in the rain as part of my job.

4. Engaging my core - in pilates.

5. Red wine. I experimented with whites this summer, but tonight I had a nice glass of red-the first in a long time. It was delightful.

Day Four

1. Pumpkin pie at lunch

2. Seeing an old student, whom I had in third grade, who is now in ninth.

3. Having more patience with students than I thought possible. 

4. Seeing my school ID card and noticing how I look old, but not old as in an old lady, but mature...like a woman. I actually didn't really like that, but other peoples' reactions to that comment were amusing. 

5. A successful Back to School Night. 

Day Three

So, maybe I shouldn't have started this on a weekend. Mondays are tough. Garfield and I should have stayed in bed...eating lasagna and terrorizing the dog. A lot didn't go right today. Nothing was particularly bad, but I had to dig to get five today:

1. This made me smile as I got in my car this morning. Thank you Jesse.

2. My co-worker brought me Indian spices so Jesse could make me authentic Indian food. Delicious!

3. The weather was perfect today. 

4. My last minute science lesson was delightful. I saw some students shine in ways I had not yet seen.

5. This made me laugh out loud...during a math lesson I was supposed to be helping teach. 

Day Two

Okay, this is a little harder than I thought...

Today's five:

1. Microwave shopping at Fry's: This was in the microwave...maybe to convince me to buy it?
















2. The presents Bugsy brings me when I come home.

3. 9 miles! It's been a while since I have run that far. It felt wonderful.

4. Holding hands with Scott while playing Quelf.  Such good friends and we never hold hands!

5. Jesse as Frankenstein (again, Quelf)

Day One

I have been mulling over what this month would bring me. Having started school, therefore spending my days with a lot more people than I had for three months, I became increasingly aware of my negativity. Now, I have always been a bit of a negative person-at least in regards to other people.  I am prone to unfair judgments of others, dwelling on things that irritate me about a person, or not giving people a chance, or second chance. It is something I have been actively working on for about two years. At some point I realized that in order to be a happier person, I needed to stop thinking such awful things about others.

Anyway, I surprised myself returning to work at how many negative thoughts I would have throughout the day. Also, it seemed to be particularly with people I know, but not very well. Not strangers, not friends, but people whom I know well enough to feel that I am able pass judgement but not well enough to care that I may be being unfair.  That is really terrible. What is interesting though, is that it wasn't the thoughts themselves I would notice, but my immediate subsequent thought of telling someone else. I became aware of my own nastiness through the realization that I wanted to share it with others! I am very embarrassed about this, especially since I really thought I had made a lot of progress opening my heart and mind to others. Or worse, maybe I have...Jesus, I must have been truly awful then.

This got me thinking about how 'good' I am about finding the bad, annoying, or frustrating elements of other people,  My fear is that it does not stop at people, but the day in general. During my walks with the dogs, when I would have these rosy, love-moments with the world, I thought maybe it would be healthy to find just one thing a day that makes me smile. I thought I could make that my focus, rather than some of the pettiness I can be drawn to. I resolved to make this my next twenty-nine day project...but then today in yoga, my teacher said something truly inspiring:

She began the class talking about the 'buzz' that this October is one of the rare months where there are five Saturdays and five Sundays in the month.  Supposedly this only happens every 843 years, however she pointed out that this isn't true-it happens about every 14-and I seem to recall it happened once already this year (thank you Facebook.) Anyway, this 'phenomenon', according to Feng Shui, is supposed to generate a lot of good luck. The focus of the class then was generating our own luck-our own good fortune-rather than ascribing to superstition.  But, in the spirit of the rarity of the 5 and 5 occurrence, we did five of everything: five ohms, five sun salutations, five twists, five balances, five handstands, five back bends...you get the idea.

I thought then maybe - considering my ability to find many things to not like or not be happy about - I should up the ante a little and, each day, find five things that make me happy.  One is too easy.  Now, I don't want to give the impression that I have trouble finding things to be happy about. In fact, quite the opposite. There are many things (people, stuff, moments, sounds) in my life that each and everyday I think about how much I appreciate and love tremendously. The problem though, is that I am not sharing any of that with other people. I, for some reason, think that Jesse wants to hear all of my mean thoughts rather than my gushy ones. That is some flawed thinking.

So, I am committing to documenting and sharing five things that made me happy, or simply made me smile, over the course of the day. I hope the space needed in my heart and brain for such thoughts will push out some of that negativity.

Today's Top Five:

1. My yoga teacher finally asked me to demonstrate after soooo long.

2. A woman in my yoga class who was hootin' the whole time. It was her first time to yoga and she found many of the poses very challenging, and painful.  Usually, people keep their expression of difficulty minimal; a grunt or heavy breathing, but she was "Oh God!" and "Your're killing me!" It was hilarious. I don't laugh out loud in yoga often, but today I did.

3. Homemade dinner. Jesse hasn't cooked for me in a while. (Woe is me, right?) but typically, when he doesn't cook, it also means we don't spend time together. If he is too tired to cook, then he is too tired to hang out as well and so he retreats to the computer. So tonight a meal, and an evening, with my man.

4. Found  a cool book at the book store and indulged myself and actually bought it. I usually just think about it for a long time then walk away.

5. A Mexican birthday party for a three year old. It was a mellow, back yard, home cooked meal affair. I'm always struck by families who love each one another so dearly. Even though I know there is sub layer of drama in everyone's lives, watching this family be together is absolutely wonderful. And the relaxed, unpretentious nature of just hanging out in the backyard, drinking, grilling, chatting. It is everything I want for my one-day family. There was so much love in the air and to be part of it, to be welcomed by it, was humbling and inspiring. I kind of think this should count as more than one thing that made me happy, because it made me happy on so many levels.