Day Twenty-nine

And so it is here.  Not only is it the end of this twenty and nine days, but it is also the end of the year. My reflection this month has not only been on giving and contributing, but also on the multitude of  events and experiences of the past twelve months that lead me to making monthly commitments to myself.  I'm intrigued with the way this project grew into somewhat of a 'bettering of self' task.  Initially, my thinking was that it would be more of an opportunity to make time to do the things I find a million excuses to not do, or to try something I have never done, or to finally start a creative endeavor that has been sitting on the back burner for years.  I tend to get antsy during the summer, so finding someway to inspire and motivate myself seems a natural byproduct of my restlessness.  I did not anticipate how I would over-analyze each and every thought in the process, ultimately leading me to some difficult self-reflection. This is how this project morphed into an attempt to shape myself into the person I want to be.

This leaves me both eager and sad. I am looking forward to finding new ways of challenging myself, pushing myself to grow, and keeping my heart and mind open; albeit laced with a tinge of sadness around the realization that maybe I haven't been living as that person.  However, rather than dwelling on melancholy, I will take with me into the new year, motivation and inspiration to continue to do so.

So on that Ebenezer-esque note, see you next year.

Day Twenty four

Uh oh.

Including today, it has been twice that I have dropped some change into the little-red-tin to which I am beckoned by the tired bell-ringers of the Salvation Army. J. warned me against such actions, preaching that the S.A. was a fundamentalist Christian organization that hates women and gays.  On that particular day I resolved to give this issue of not donating to an organization (whose noble mission is to help those in need), simply because of a religious affiliation, some deep thought. I concluded that while I am not a religious person, I also don't see the world in black and white. I  don't have a problem with Christians or Christianity per se, especially when represented by a community of people living true to the teachings of Jesus: compassion for others-even our enemies, giving so that we do not drown in excess while others starve, and...the hardest F-word...forgiveness. These are mighty and admirable codes of conduct. I would proudly support people on a mission to spread this message around the world.

After my rather minuscule donation this afternoon, to the infamous red-kettle, I came home to read up on the Salvation Army.  What I found was terribly disappointing and has left me feeling conflicted and sad.  First, the Salvation Army is a church organization-legally classified as a "church or convention or association of churches".  I found this problematic in that my intent is to aid humanitarian efforts, not religious agendas. Second, the afore mentioned status makes the Salvation Army exempt from filing Form 990 with IRS.  This means that there is no financial information available to the public about the organization.  Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I tend to be distrustful of companies-particularly those with so much charitable clout-who are not transparent in regard to finances.  And third, the Salvation Army is very upfront about their stance on homosexuality and abortion. These are polarizing issues on which we are opposites.  I strongly believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions; however I will not blindly support entities whose stance on human rights drastically differ from my own.

But today, that is what I did. And so I trust that my measly two dollars will find it's way to helping someone with an open heart and an open mind, someone who will spread love and acceptance throughout the world.


Salvation Army Position Statements

Article: why NOT to donate to the Salvation Army

Day Seventeen

As expected, I have been thinking a lot about the nature of giving and helping. When and where these two overlap, how they differ, as well as the process of seeking out opportunities to do so versus doing it just because. I have been struggling with the feeling of dis-ingenuousness about making a point to give or help each day. As though what I have to offer is less meaningful when I am - for all intensive purposes - making myself do it. That said, I have also noticed how incredibly easy it is to offer up some spare change for a good cause or donate the things I don't need to people who do. I am pleased that I am becoming someone who says 'yes' to giving.  Essentially, I simultaneously feel guilty and proud. Some days I feel like have done more and others, not so much.  I feel guilty for my pride or guilty that I haven't done enough. The key word here seems to be guilt. I should revisit this.

I have also noticed that in the last few weeks, I have returned to some of my patterns of negativity.  I am most aware of it when I hear myself complaining or while unnecessarily shouting and swearing at other drivers. In these moments,  I think to myself "How is it that I am able to do good for people I don't know but cannot offer patience, respect, or forgiveness for the old lady in the parking lot today who was honking at me so I'd know not to back out into her as she drove by, but wasn't actually driving, just sitting there honking, consequently making it impossible for me or anyone else to get out of the parking lot? How?" 

This led me to thinking about more extravagant methods of giving. Those folks who start charities for life-threatening diseases, attend black-tie dinners to help dwindling populations of animals, or build wings of children's hospitals.  Philanthropists: people who give...a lot...because they can and presumably want to.  Since the true meaning of philanthropy is "the love of humanity", it is natural to assume that those who engage in such forms of giving truly hold this idea close to their hearts.  I believe that many of them do.  However, given my own recent experiences with both giving and calling elderly drivers the vile 'B' word, I realize that there can be a significant disconnect between doling out money, no matter the amount, and inherently being a good person. This is not a ground-breaking revelation, I know, but it was certainly eye-opening given that only two months ago I was working on being a less negative person. Yet, here I am this month, trying to be a better person in a new way and inadvertently backsliding on my previous goals. So, while it may not be a profound realization about humanity, it is an important awareness to carry with me as I move forward in the remaining days of this month. 

Good God. Self-reflection is exhausting. 

Day Six

So, what is tricky about this endeavor is finding something to do everyday. It seems to me that the most meaningful giving involves time.  Time and planning. In order for me to have contact with people who are directly benefited from my help, I would have to do some scheduling. That can be hard this time of year! However, as I write this, I realize that maybe that is really about what would be the most meaningful for me. Okay, so maybe that is something to get over.

I have also noticed that I am very quick to dismiss certain types of giving. It isn't until the opportunity has passed, due to my flippant avoidance, that I recognize it as such: a missed opportunity. For example, when I receive phone calls for 'Miss Luna' and 'Hype-uh-tee-uh' it is a knee-jerk reaction to say, "Sorry, she's not here right now. Can I take a message?" Imagine my shame when their response is, "This is just a call on behalf of (insert noble cause such as women's rights, endangered animals, or the environment), looking for her support..."

Damn.

Day One

I had an experience last month that has been haunting me ever since.

I was on a delightful Sunday run around the neighborhood. It was my first run since the half-marathon and the first day of clear skies after a short cold/wind/rain spell. I was feeling invigorated. Strong. Proud.

Suddenly, I felt something bump against my heels. I did a sort of half-turn, expecting to see nothing of importance, such as a branch or a plastic bag. Instead, I saw a dog. Following me-and batting at my heels-was a tiny, and I mean tiny, white dog. I had spotted him about a block earlier and thought nothing of it.  Apparently, he did. He had followed me this far and continued to follow me while I tried to run out of his territory. I soon came to discover  that he had no territory, at least not anywhere near where we were. When I stopped, he stopped...and sat. He stared up at me with seriously cute puppy-dog eyes. When I ran, he ran. He had that floppy puppy bounce where he was a little distracted by everything around him, but also really wanted to keep up. I was at a total loss as to what to do. I began to retrace my steps hoping he would wander back home or I would come across someone who recognized, or better yet, owned him.

Nothing. I asked everyone I saw, and no one knew him. A number of people said, "He likes you. You should keep him." which, needless to say, was not helpful.  I guess it is a nicety that people offer when secretly they are thanking the heavens that they aren't the sucker who picked up a cute stray puppy and now has to decide it's fate.

So, I let him follow me home. I temporarily named him Christ's Sake, because the entire walk home, I kept muttering to myself, "For Christ's sake. What am I doing? What am I going to do with you?" When we got home, J. made the executive decision to take him to the shelter.  When we arrived there I insisted that J. take him in and take care of the drop-off. He wouldn't. If you have ever been to an animal shelter, for any reason, they are awful.  They are pretty much my idea of hell. Even the nicest of them are the saddest places you will ever be.

While handing over C.S., I completely crumbled. I couldn't stop crying.  You know that hysterical, hyperventilating type? But it wasn't only for him.  It was for all those poor animals. All those sad, homeless, family-less, little animals. I was a mess for the next week.

One thought I kept returning to over the course of that day, and the days that followed, was that the people at the shelter must have the hardest job in the world.  Then I thought about the people who work at orphanages, and how hard that must be. Or homeless shelters. Or battered women shelters. Those people are strong. Those people are the unsung heroes of each and every community.

Naturally,  I began to question my own job. Yes, I am a teacher, but for a private school.  A private school that is one of about 100 private schools in the area. While our humble little school does not harbor the wealthiest of the city; in fact, many of the families are middle class in search of an alternative to the traditional educational setting, it is still a population of children with access to resources. I began to fret, and slightly obsess, about how I am not making a difference. This is why I teach!  I want to change the world! I just couldn't shake the thought though that if I wasn't at this school, someone else just as good would be. I was having a crisis of conscience: what is the point if I'm not making a difference?

I stewed in this for a while. Once C.S. was finally adopted from the shelter (yes, I kept tabs on him via their website) I relaxed a bit. I do love my job, and I'm not currently in a position to leave and take on something new, however, I cannot shake the feeling that I can be doing more.

So with that, I set my intention for the next twenty-nine days: I will give, contribute, and help.  I do not mean be 'helpful' but to actually give back to my community each day. How I will do this every day, I am not entirely sure. Some days it may take the form of a financial contribution, while others may be a tangible donation, and still others may be something completely different.

There is one caveat . My grandfather once told me that if you have to tell other people about the nice thing you did for someone, it doesn't count, because then you really only did it for yourself. Yes, yes. I also know the stance that charity is  never really about the recipient and is more about the feeling of giving, nevertheless, this idea has stuck with me my whole life. So, in honor of my grandfather, I will refrain from sharing too many specifics (honestly, I was a little hesitant to even mention this 29 at all) and just focus on the experience.

Thank you C.S., for inspiring me to be a better person.

Day Twenty-nine

This twenty-and-nine days went by quickly.  I think that has more to do with the time of year than anything else; November and December are always somewhat of a blur.

I had little to report on this month. Writing about cleaning is just as interesting as reading about it.  However, I am pleased to say that this may be the first month that I have witnessed the most growth in myself. Most days my cleaning consisted of dishes and straightening up the kitchen. I also made sure to pick up clothes off the floor, dining room table, back of the toilet, and off of chairs at least every other day. Each day there was a sense of calm once things were slightly more orderly. It was the "aaaaaah" that justified my rest. Some days I was borderline excited to come home and reorganize my life, to settle in to some sort of order.  This makes me wonder if I have a horrifying anal-retentive side that has been dormant for years.  Help! I'm an Obsessive-Compulsive trapped inside a Hoarder's body!

The most marked difference in behavior for the last twenty-nine days is that when something falls on the floor....wait for this....I pick it up. There are only a few people in my life who would appreciate the magnitude of this seemingly simple action: my mother, my boyfriend, my two ex-stepfathers, and my old babysitter. This is my apology to all of them for years of crap left all over the house. Equating myself to the Tasmanian Devil may be extreme, but I have been known to leave a trail of refuse in my path from the front door to my bedroom.

More so than previous months, I am hoping to truly keep up with this new behavior. By 'more so' I really mean at all. I have not been consistent about headstands, dog walking, or even being positive (J. told me the other day that everything I say is a complaint. Yikes!) But this: this order, this structure, this organization, has provided a much needed sense of balance to my days.

So here's to being the person I never thought I would be.

Day Nineteen

Tonight I made dinner.

This is a once a year event. I was bored, and craving this very specific dish I used to find in the Trader Joe's Freezer Section, so decided to take out a cook book, cross reference with some online recipes...and cook.

It wasn't that great. J. said it was good for being the first time I attempted such a thing. That said, I ended up picking the food he didn't eat off his plate. I will eat anything I guess. It is slightly comforting to know that if I was single, I wouldn't a)starve or b)eat only microwavable dinners.

Anyway, so I cleaned up after myself today. I cleaned the dishes we ate off of, the dishes I used to cook, etc. This is one of the things I have been noticing about myself in the last few weeks. I have become much more conscious of picking up and cleaning up after myself. Honestly, the house is more or less tidy each day, that there is not a lot of straightening up to do. Right now I think there is more 'deep cleaning' that needs to be done, but I have been very consistent with the day to day straightening. And, what do you know? The house is generally cleaner! Shocking!

Maybe this is what it is like to be a grown up.

Day Twelve

Yesterday I came home and speed-cleaned the kitchen. It is amazing what some afternoon adrenaline can do. I felt like the robot maid on the Jetsons. What was her name? Rosie?

Today, I took my time.  I used the four hour window, where I was required to stay home and wait for the couches to be delivered, to catch up on cleaning. I did some laundry, folded laundry, swept the kitchen, did the dishes, and worked on the tower of To Be Filed papers.  I also busted out a Magic Eraser sponge. I love these so much. It is the one invention (maybe except for a vacuum) that makes me enjoy the act of cleaning. I become this A.D.D. clean freak for the lifespan of the thing. I move around the house trying to find dirty spots that I would never think to clean.  For example, I clean the door frames or the area around door knobs and light switches. Especially with dogs, the lower portions of walls and doors gather mung at such a gradual pace that you (or at least I) don't notice the 2-foot high grayish-brown layer until you take a step back and really look.

So, I did a lot of spot cleaning (hence the A.D.D.) where I never really focused on one spot for very long.  Rather, I hopped around the house and each time I would notice a new smudge, I'd abandon the one I was working on to tackle the next. In retrospect, I don't really know how efficient, or productive, this is in terms of cleaning...but nonetheless, I made it through one layer of grime today.

Day Nine

Wow. Only day nine?

It's not that it seems like a particularly difficult project, but it just seems like so much more time has gone by. I think maybe I have been slightly lenient on myself this month, in terms of what counts as cleaning. The thing is, even the smallest efforts of cleanliness are significantly more than my typical efforts.

For example: the other day I came home and the dogs had gotten into some rotten plums off the counter (okay, so the rotten plums are the first problem...) and consequently, there was squished plum meat and juice all over the kitchen and dining room, along with the remaining plum. Usually, I would probably pick up the plum, but then move on....leaving the sticky mess to gather dog fur, dust, and shoe gunk. This can attract ants ("ants! why the hell do we have ants?" I might cry) and/or create a large, oddly shaped, black, sticky, blob on the floor. SO, instead of letting all this, somewhat knowingly, happen...I picked up the plum. I wiped up the floor, with water. I cleaned the mess, I didn't just pick it up. That is a big deal for me!

Another example: I am the brand of lady that takes off her clothes in the bathroom to take a shower and leaves them on the bathroom floor indefinitely. Like, until the next time I do laundry or maybe I need to wear something again. I have been very conscious of this lately and have made a point to remove my clothing from the bathroom floor each day. Again, I realize that to many people, this is ridiculous...but these are that patterns I find myself in. I spend weeks accumulating piles of stuff, dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and a collection of random objects that belong in the garage only to spend a weekend deep cleaning it all. This is exhausting, and truthfully, it doesn't all get cleaned.  Generally, it is just the areas that guests may wander through.

So, there have been some days where I have am engrossed in deep cleaning and others are where I complete the day-to-day necessities that I pointedly ignore. They both count, according to me, because the latter is a true necessity while the former is just good practice.

P.S.
Our next house is going to have a dishwasher.

Day Four

About being clean:

So, on Tuesday I did a lot of straightening up (in addition to my sweeping.) When I went to sleep, the kitchen was in order. When I woke up Wednesday morning, there were remnants of late night snacking all over the counters. Spoons, butter wrappers, a half eaten oatmeal crisp concoction, dishes, etc.  I spent the first few minutes of my day simply cleaning up after someone else. I do this often enough, but that day I really noticed it simply because it was cleaning I was doing due to someone else's mess. That is not as gratifying! It also made me think that this is what it must be like to be a mother; constantly picking up after your child. You must get in a groove, especially with a newly mobile toddler, and then it just becomes what you do, it is part of your routine. Bleh! No thank you.

Anyway, Thursday morning I awoke to dog barf all over the house. Again, visions of motherhood flashed through my mind, albeit a sick child in the middle of the night would be an entirely different experience than this. Anyway, I was - once again - inadvertently asked to clean up after someone else. Hmm mm.

So today, I did some cleaning for us. For the house, to make way for the new couches. I was feeling rather annoyed by the mess I needed to make in order to achieve...well, order. The mess isn't gone, but there is some organization to our T.V. room that wasn't there before. That is a good feeling.

And on that note, today I was inspired (or reaffirmed) by a co-worker, who announced to his class (of Kindergartners) that their job this weekend was to go home and clean their rooms, especially under their beds. He ended his speech with, "A clean room is a clean mind" or something to that effect. It was just what I needed to hear to inspire me to come home and get to work. It is true, when my house is clean, I feel a sense of clarity and peace that is muddled when there is clutter about. I wonder how different my life would be if I was always clean? I usually arrive at the conclusion that the stress of maintaining a clean house would create more angst, wrinkles, chest clenching, and anxiety than the mess itself. Sort of like giving up sugar: is the stress of the commitment worth the health benefits?

I'm intrigued by all of this.  I am also looking forward to a happy balance between tidiness and peace of mind.

Day One

I had no idea what to do this month. I was really looking for some inspiration, something to bring meaning to this month's '29'. I had a few backup ideas, things I was milling around when I decided to start this project, but none of them seemed right this month.

We just bought a living room set this past weekend. It consists of a couch, love seat, and chair.  This was a sort of a big deal in that it was one of our few 'grown up' purchases. Figuring out how and where this new seating will fit into our house has been tricky...for a few reasons. First, we have very few things in our house that are nice. Most of our furniture has been found on the side of the road or purchased at a thrift store. There are few pieces from Ikea or that have been inherited from others but nonetheless we have sort of a hodge-podge of stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. I have been worrying about how the furniture will look. I begin by sitting in one room, analyzing how our other stuff should be moved around, what can be moved into storage, and what can be thrown away.  Usually I love rearranging furniture.  I find it refreshing to purge a bit and establish a new perspective in a room.  Therefore, I was surprised at how daunting it was to tackle figuring out how our new setup would fit in with the mess.  That is what it all feels like: a mess. I find myself trying to figure out how make it all fit and it seems that the only solution is a house with more storage, a bigger house, a clean house.

Ugh. The only one of those things I have control over is the clean part.

So, I grudgingly am committing to do a bit of cleaning each day. This may seem - well, I don't know what it may seem like - but to anyone who knows me, this is not my strong suit. I am a clutter-bug, I am a pack-rat, and I am mess-leaver. I am the one who drops something on the floor and doesn't pick it up. I leave cabinet doors open, I let stuff go bad in the fridge, I have a pile of coats and scarves on the dining room table because I can't seem to take them to the closet each day.  Really, cleaning happens when we have guests over, so maybe once a week? God, that's embarrassing.

Okay, so, a little bit each day. This is going to be very, very, very hard for me.

Today, I swept.

Day Twenty-nine

This morning, at about 5 am, I realized that today was my last day. I hadn't anticipated today.  I hadn't been waiting for it.  Usually, my desire to break from the 'habit' leads me to a lot of thinking about the topic, such as what I've learned and reflections on the experience.  I didn't really do that this time, I think, because I wasn't anxious for it to be over. That isn't to say that it was easy all the time, but there was less pressure to "complete" everyday.

In some ways, I'm sad this is my last day, because I know that tomorrow, I will have a lot to be happy about. But, so it is....

1. Yoga. I know, I know, yoga always makes me happy. However, today was especially wonderful for three reasons: First, my teacher is back. I was reminded as to why Saturday mornings are my favorite part of the week; Second, my balance and strength were amazing. I think this is because I wasn't weighed down by the day, it was bright and early; Thirdly, I did something I've never done before, which is always an empowering way to start the weekend.

2. I think I found my next read aloud book. I was a little concerned about this because we finished Matilda and I had no idea where to go next. Thank you Lois Lowry.

3. Vegetable rolls and Spicy Tuna rolls. I visit Fish King about once a week for their Spicy Tuna rolls. I'm a little bit addicted to them. I also love their Veggie rolls, but they rarely have them. Today they did. I got both and ate both: one for lunch and one for dinner.

4. Haircut! Today was all about me. I got a lovely haircut from a lovely woman. We are going to add color next week.

5. Half-marathon prep. Since I can't tout completing a Half tomorrow (as my 29 days will be over) I will revel in the excitement of the preparation today. I picked up my race badge and free t-shirt today. I'm nervous and excited, but ready to achieve another first.

Upon reviewing my happiness over the past twenty and nine days, I see that I find happiness in food, exercise, and work.  My yoga/running routine keeps me sane. I love my job, a luxury I don't take for granted one bit.  And I love food. I used to be afraid to say that out loud and was envious of people who did. But I get it now and I'm not afraid.

What I didn't appear to appreciate enough (or as much as I thought I might) was my family. I really believed Bugsy and Oskar would be the highlight of every day. The things I appreciate about Jesse now are so ingrained in me, that I don't think to express them anymore. As consciously as I have been thinking about 'the positives', never once did the moments when I thought about how incredibly lucky I am enter into that. I don't think that is a bad thing. I think it is a level of comfort, ease, and familiarity with him. I have had many, many years to realize how lucky I am. Maybe, the other part of it is that I have found my relationship with him to be something I take seriously enough to not make public.  Once, very early on, a friend said to me that she knew this relationship was more meaningful and important to me because I didn't talk about every single detail with others. I didn't expose it, I respected it. So while, yes-on occasion, I will vent a bit-my relationship is one area in which I am rather private I guess, which, at the end of the day, is a good thing.

With that. I continue to love eating, exercising, and teaching. I also love my man and my dogs.

I also have no idea what to do for next month. Any ideas?

Day Twenty-Eight

1. A wonderful conference this morning.

2. There was a lot to do today and it all got done.

3. No All School Meeting. Sorry W. but sometimes, I need a break.

4. Arco. Always the perfect way to end the week.

5. Bugsy's birthday. We went to Target and bought new toys. We don't do this often because it is sort of a waste of money. The dogs are happy playing with toilet paper rolls and any toys we buy, Bugsy manages to destroy in 24 hours. But, for their birthdays we 'splurged' on some toys. I imagine this is what it is like giving kids gifts for Christmas. I wonder if parents feel it is unfair that Santa gets all the credit for the cool gifts, or do they just find immense pleasure from watching their children's joy?

Day Twenty-Seven

1. Today was better than yesterday.

2. Another successful conference before school. Two down...

3.  I had fun teaching math today.

4. Five mile run. My conference canceled and I got to run.

5. Dark chocolate covered caramel corn. I've been trying to limit sweets, especially in the evenings. I was craving some chocolate tonight and ended up eating the better part of a bag of this stuff. It reminded me of Molly's Matzoh Crack. Soooooooooooo good.

Day twenty six

there was nothing good about today. here's my best attempt.

1. it's oskar's birthday

2. the week is almost over.

3. i bought cute books at the book fair.

4. the la brea tar pits were cool.

5. i hate glee. today...i'm going to let that count as a positive.

good riddance wednesday.

Day Twenty-five

Today was better than yesterday. Today also seemed rather bland. Nothing momentous, nothing horrible (well there was one point where I my 4th graders made me want to cry, but that was me being sensitive)

1. Our journal prompt today was, " Billy Bob is obsessed with _______, describe his bedroom" One girl wrote about a boy who was obsessed with Doctor Who. She described his room as having Doctor Who sheets, the walls were the color of the Tardis, and there were pictures of Daleks everywhere.  It was rad.

2. I taught Fourth grade math for the first time in many months. It went really well. I won them over with a picture of Bender.

3. A student's response to a math test:
Is this shape a polygon? (yes) Why? (you're the grown up, you tell me.)
What a smart ass, but I laughed.....

4. A 'Save the Date' came in the mail today. Dave and JJ are getting married! And it isnt' the weekend of my birthday! (I already knew about the engagement, but the date was the surprise!)

5. I'm going to sign myself up for figure skating classes. I just have to find them first...

Day Twenty-four

It's funny. When things go 'wrong' it seems that the brain starts looking for all the things that have gone wrong, like some sort of cosmic proof that today is the the worst day. We don't do that with good things. I don't at least. I found myself doing this day (the latter) and finding that as much as I (sickly) wanted it to be 'bad' it never ended up being quite as bad as it seemed initially.

1. Carrying my five hundred bags out the door this morning, my coffee splashed all over, spilling on to a bag and my hand. I yelled - loudly enough that the neighbors probably heard - God Dammit! Charming, I know. The thing is, none of it spilled on me. It just splashed a little on my workout bag, which I don't mind if that gets dirty, and my hand. It actually was much more of an avoidance of disaster than a disaster itself. (I use the word disaster rather dramatically, because that is how every small thing felt today)

2. At about 4:00am this morning I remembered I completely forgot to do the one errand that I had intended to do this weekend: buy beads. This was followed by a series of anxiety dreams having to do with the project I needed the beads for, being a total failure. Usually, in such tight, emergency situations, I would just go out during the day and buy the necessary materials; but math was at 9:20 and I wasn't sure if Michaels would be open soon enough for me to drive there and be back in time. As the universe would have it, I had beads in my trunk (Thank you Scott) and there were a stash in a cupboard at school (Thank you Molly) and the activity went off splendidly. My lack of planning and preparation didn't hinder it one bit.

3. I was making copies during lunch and managed to jam the machine in about 8 different places. Then, soon after, I daringly decided to make packets in the machine...which I needed in 10 minutes. This also came after battling the printer to print a PDF with correct margins. After wasting so much paper printing, I for thought it a good idea to gamble on the copy machine which I had already managed to break at one point in the day. But, in the end, I got it all done: printed, copied, stapled, and taught. It was all fine.

4. During yoga I had no balance. I was toppling and wavering during poses that are commonplace and familiar. I was thinking about the symbolism of this, being off balance, especially considering my mindset of late. I realized though, that the reason I was having so much difficulty standing on two feet was because I was completely distracted. My mind was wandering the whole time.  I was thinking about work (which I do a lot during yoga, but am training myself not to) and ways to reach the kids. It was all inspired by my yoga teacher's initial talk, about the collective nature of yoga: how we all affect one another, our energy, our breath, our effort... It was really inspiring and as soon as she said I immediately started of thinking of ways to discuss and teach this to the kids. So, my mind was racing, I was completely unfocused and therefore off balance, but I think I have a great idea for an activity to illustrate a valuable point about working together and respecting other's space.

5. And something that was just great: my Saturday yoga teacher is back. She has been absent for almost three weeks due to doctor's orders of bed rest (she's pregnant) and not only have I been worried about her, I've missed her classes terribly. I saw her today at the gym. She's back! This tipped the scales tonight.

Day Twenty-three

I haven't been wishing this month would end, as I did in other months, but some days I wish I could just resolve that there was nothing good about the day. Other days, I can't seem to think of anything - good or bad - and then I remember something the following day that was so much more interesting (and satisfying) than what I had shared. This returns me to the notion of taking the small things for granted. I've also started to think about these 'good' and 'bad' things as the weight that tips the scale of my mood or outlook on the day. A few little cute, fun, happy things in the morning put some emphasis on the Good Day side, then one crappy interaction can make the Bad Day side some crashing down. It is hard to balance them out when one occurrence seems so hefty . And while maybe my mood shouldn't be so dependent on the small and relatively meaningless events of my life, ending the day on a sour note seems to undo all the other stuff. This is my own issue that I guess I need to start working on. I need to take the "small bad" in stride and not let it detract from any of the good. I can't let the negativity win!!! (oh but how it wants to sometimes....)

anyway:

1. I got up early for my run and it was fantastic. I was powered by all the Indian food I ate last night and the motivation of a half-marathon next weekend. I'm ready and excited!

2. Brunch with old friends. We never do brunch and never spend mornings with this pair. It was a nice way to catch up .

3. Couch shopping. I think we found it...actually a cute bundle of couch, love seat, and chair. I just have to convince Jesse that we've stopped looking...

4. House hunting. We aren't ready to buy, but I love walking around homes and imagining that I live there. We find ourselves debating over how realistic some of the homes are, even if we can't afford them, like "well, we'd need to buy a new washer/dryer" or "where would the fridge go?" or "I'd want this to be the family room, not the bedroom"

5. Getting in bed at 9:45 ready to go to sleep.

Day Twenty-two

1. Yoga with Cybelle.

2. Spicy tuna roll for lunch. This is one of my favorite weekend treats. Basically, I organize my weekends around yoga, running, and food.

3. Indian food. Nirvana in Monrovia. Deeeee-licious. I stuffed myself silly.

4.  Saturday Night Live. I am never awake for this! Finally!

5. Remembering at the last minute that I needed to pick my five. I would have been very upset if I had forgotten.

Day Twenty-one

1. Rice pudding. Homemade rice pudding.

2.  Feeling incredibly accomplished after an amazingly busy week/day. I got a lot done today. There is still a lot to do, but plowing through piles of papers and packets (I'm talking reading logs, spelling tests, journal edits, diary entries, DRA responses) in one day....felt like I made a small dent.

3. My after school run. Today, I needed it.

4. Spider solitaire. After my run, I came home, took a shower, and laid in bed playing solitaire for about a half hour while watching TMZ. It is currently my favorite way to fall asleep.

5. Mexican food, tequila, and 90's music videos on Youtube.

Day Twenty

1. Surprise Indian snack for breakfast, snack, lunch, and pre-dinner.

2. Spelling. I had the kids write sentences using words with the same rule, such as "My dumb thumb  is numb." One student wrote "A blue newt eats gooey poo"

3. Finishing the Ice Age. We are wrapping it up and I'm excited to move on. I think the kids have learned a lot. Or maybe they already just knew a lot, but they seem to be into what we are doing. I'm over it though. Time to get civilized.

4. Mean Hypatia? I was getting a little annoyed with the kids today and I started telling them "I don't want mean Hypatia to have to come out when we are doing something fun" One student said, "I've only seen Mean Hypatia once, and it was last year, for like two seconds" Ha ha! I thought that was cute. I feel like I'm mean all the time. I'm not sure if it is better that they don't interpret my behavior as 'mean' when I feel like I'm acting that way or if they don't take me seriously when I'm pissed.

5. Barry Brickell. Look him up.

Day Nineteen

1. Getting things accomplished. I have a bizarre and ever-growing To Do List at work. I crossed a lot off today...only to mentally add about 100 more things...but I get a lot of satisfaction from the process.

2. Surprise package from my dad. He sent me some belongings of my grandmother that he thought I would like. There was some beautiful jewelry as well as thoughtful mementos of my childhood.

3. Making my grandfather proud.

4. Pilates. I missed last week and it felt soooooo good.

5. Garnet Yams for dinner. I love yams...or sweet potatoes, whatever you want to call them. I forget how much I love squashes and rooty vegetables until they are in season and so wonderfully delicious. I don't think of myself as someone who loves fall foods, but yet here I am, currently in love with a yams, squash, and apples.

Day Eighteen

1. Morning Fog. It was gorgeous wasn't it? Spooky and enchanting.

2. Eggs for breakfast! I made myself breakfast this morning. I did this last year a lot but for some reason, this year it has seemed as though I don't have time. I make some eggs, watch the Fox 11 morning news (which is its own brand of ridiculousness) and drink my coffee. And, I was still the third person at work.

3.  Rhymes. Today in spelling, I had the kids come up with rhyming words to their spelling words. For example, bunch is a spelling word, and they thought of lunch, munch, crunch, etc... Then we got to stuck. I was hoping one student in particular would come up with the word 'duck' since he has a duck at home. I kept asking him for a word, hoping he'd get there. Eventually someone whispers to him and he goes, "Oh! The F-word?" I couldn't help but laugh because, did they really think that's what I was waiting for?

4. Stretching their minds. I read to the class from The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat. This is not a book meant for kids but I read it to them, artfully making it kid-accessible, and they loved it. That was exciting, but what was even better is that through their discussions, they were demonstrating all their knowledge about the brain. I was blown away! It was awesome.

5. Running. Today my run was hard. My head started to hurt a couple miles in and I was terrified that I would have an aneurysm and collapse on the sidewalk. I began imagining my body lying on the sidewalk where I probably wouldn't be found until the evening dog walkers started to emerge. Then I started to wonder, "When would Jesse start to worry? And when he did, what would he do? No one knew where I was. Would he come look for me?" But then, in the last mile, I became completely distracted by other - more pleasant - thoughts and the song I was listening to. All that badness melted away and the end was great. That is what I love about running.

Day Seventeen

I suppose it is a good thing that so many of the good parts of my day are at work. Then of course, I start to question if maybe I should have more things to be happy about at home? Or maybe my contentment with being at home is enough? Maybe I'm trying too hard.

 1.  An old student gave me a 'late' birthday card today. It was essentially a love note from a ten year old. So, so sweet and quite a flattering way to start my day!


2. First field trip confirmed! I can check that off my mental checklist.

3. Holiday performance choreographer in place. I can also check this off my mental checklist.

4. A successful science lesson, at least I thought it was.  

5. Couch shopping. We have been talking about getting some new furniture...grown up furniture...for a while. Tonight we started looking around and talking seriously about some pieces. However, I keep returning the the idea that, really, I want a house.

Day Sixteen

1. Pop music. I had 'Hollaback Girl' stuck in my head all night. I downloaded it so I could listen to it while running. I've resolved to listen to good/bad pop music while running to keep me pumped. This song is ridiculous. I had never listened to the words until today, and it is sort of awful, but now I know where the B-A-N-A-N-A thing comes from.

2. 11.45 miles. Good prep for my half.

3. An afternoon with Jesse. This was the result of our fight yesterday, but we took a drive up to Crystal Lake in the San Gabriel mountains. It was sort of lame, but the drive was beautiful. the colors this time of year are stunning.

4. Great gas mileage.  Driving down hill after our afternoon expedition boosted my average MPG. This is sick sort of pleasure I get each time I fill my gas tank. It is the most competitive I get...which, I guess, could be a lot worse.

5. Dinner with friends. Jesse made Indian food. It was delicious food, but not the best of his Indian food. Nonetheless, dinner with good company is always delightful.

Day Fifteen

1. Sleeping in. The alarm went off this morning - set for my usual weekday wake up time - and instead of snooze, I got to turn the damn thing off. I literally got out of bed and said to the alarm clock, "not today...."

2.  Yoga. My Saturday morning class is one of the highlights of my week. Like pizza, it's good even when it's bad.

3. You Tube videos. I spent almost three hours on YouTube today. I am not one of 'those' people, but I was so engrossed with searching for music that it literally sucked my day away, but in a wonderful, music filled way. All by myself in the computer room, I was reminiscing, dancing, laughing, grooving...I had a nice love affair with music this afternoon. I need to do this more often.
Here is some awesome stuff I found:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMGo7H5-a0A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybXSET6TP-A&feature=related\
this one i just love the image they have for the video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNWP_Pwd0jA
and this one is rad...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPtWh5XjiH0
clearly I was on a Beatles kick.

Okay, I think this is my favorite though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtdUGfVOvy4

4. Retail therapy at Target. I just went and spent...some of it I needed, some of it I didn't.

5. Being right. Jesse and I got in an argument this evening, and after trying very hard to be diplomatic and level headed I unleashed a bit. The thing is, I was right. It isn't that I am happy simply about being right, but about being heard and understood. So often in arguments, rationality, fairness, and understanding are clouded by our own anger or hurt, making it hard to communicate. And the worst part is, you know when it is happening. I know when I'm too upset to articulate or too angry to offer solutions rather than fueling the fire. Today, after the aggravating and unproductive back and forth, something that I said got through...and clicked. Good. This opens the door for growth...for both of us.

Day Fourteen

1. Diary of a Wombat. I read this for Reading Buddies today, it is such a wonderful book. I wish I had written  it.

2. Mad Lib Play. A group of 8 students and myself performed a quick rendition of Cinderella that was written in the style of a Mad Lib. It was brief, a little improvised, but wonderfully funny. My favorite was one sassy third grader providing the role of narrator reading, "When the Prince saw Cinderella he said 'Dang!'" She had just the right amount of drawl to the word that translated as "Damn girl. You Fine"

3. Old students. I love them and miss them. I have to learn how to let them go, and I have for the most part, but sometimes the familiarity of them: their humor, their interests, their quirks...makes me wish we could be together again.

4. Pay Day. A wonderful bi-monthly reminder that I don't do it for free. I love my job so much that sometimes I forget I get paid...but that direct deposit reminds me that I'm not that selfless...and also, makes it totally worth it.

5. Friday: Drinks with the girls then Arco. I love tortilla chips, which I ate in abundance at both establishments.

Day Thirteen

On my way to work, some asshole kept honking at me because I wasn't driving the way he wanted me to. I was so upset because I kept thinking, "How am I going to find positive things about today when I start it on such a crappy note?" This got me thinking about me predisposition to dwelling on the bad and not the good. Is it better then to take what I think of as negative and find what is positive, or beneficial, from the experience? I thought this might be an interesting approach to this twenty and nine days. I won't do it today, but it's coming.

1. Snooze. Nine extra minutes to sleep in and snuggle.

2. In math, we often talk about 'units'.  This is what the kids are meant to be counting, for example in a number stories about flowers, the unit would be 'flowers'. So while correcting the homework, my co-worker was asking the students what the unit was for the number story. It was supposed to be 'kids' but she was getting answers such as, soccer players or children...all essentially the same thing. She explained that as long as the unit was essentially the 'kids' referenced in the number story, that it was correct. One darling smart-ass offered "organic life form."  good one kid. 

3. Matilda. Miss Trunchbull announced, "The perfect school is one with no  kids" Ha ha! 

4. Inspiration. The book I'm reading is giving me all sorts of interesting Science lesson plan ideas. This is new,being inspired and excited about teaching Science...it's nice. 

5. Happy Hour with the boys. Jesse, Scott and I have been talking about doing this for a while now, and we finally did. It was nice. Catching up mid-week and feeling very grown up. 

Day Twelve

Today felt so mediocre. Nothing great, nothing bad.

1. Back in Black (the song)

2. Chickens at the farm. They snuck in through the fence are were taking a dirt bath.

3. New York, New York (the song)

4. Bugsy attacking my snot rags while I blow my nose.

5. The Man Who Thought His Wife Was a Hat (the book)

Day Eleven

1. Tuesday is my favorite day...the rest of the week always goes quickly after this.

2. I signed up for my first half-marathon.

3.  Kind words from my boss.

4. Feeling better and pushing myself to run today.

5.  The full moon.

I'm adding a sixth (because I can't figure out which one to cross out)

6. Knocked Up. Brilliant.

Day Ten

Today was a great day.

1. Sleeping in and starting work at 9:00.

2. A day of staff meetings. Which means reaffirming by commitment to education and Waverly.

3. Co-workers who make me laugh and proud.

4. Yogaaaaaaaaaaah.

5. The internet on my laptop works again. I don't have to steal from my neighbors anymore!

This was a great note on which to end the day.
"I'm letting morality get in the way of making money...I might as well go and be a teacher."
 - Jack Donaghy

Day Nine

1. The motivation to get up and exercise and the awareness that running probably would have killed me. So I took a nice long walk instead.

2. Relaxing on the grass with my boys.

3. 30 Rock.

4. Feeling better, tomorrow I may be human again.

5.The luxury of being able to take two days to just relax and get better. There were things I could have been doing, but nothing I had to do. Also, I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Day Eight

One week.

Many times I have found myself thinking, "It would be a lot easier to make a list of things that pissed me off today." or "How about a list of things that went wrong today?"

What is puzzling to me is that I find that I laugh or smile a lot at work and at home. The kids, the dogs, my friends, and Jesse all make me very happy. Why is it then that the things that go wrong are what I tend to dwell on? Is it that I take all the wonderful things in my life for granted? Sometimes I also think they are so fleeting, they are brief moments in time, that are hard to explain-especially in a daily list. But what I have also taken from this is that if I am not willing to take the time to 'share' these small happy things, why bother sharing the small bitter things? When snippy little thoughts unravel in my brain, I am more conscious to remind myself to not focus on it, not to dwell.  Obviously there are times when this has the complete opposite effect but, if nothing else, I am more aware - and sort of embarrassingly so - of my own tendency to be a brat.  

With that:

1. The absolutely gorgeous weather. I took the dogs out for a walk and it was the perfect blend of warmth and breeze. Days like this, I know why I live in Los Angeles.

2. Trusting that having a substitute teacher in yoga, and therefore an incredibly weak and kind of boring class, was exactly what my body needed to get over the my cold. (I had to really push to find something good about this. It was really not how I wanted to start my day.  I forced myself to find something positive about the experience because I felt so put out by it.)

3. Jesse is coming home early from work.

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the movie. So, so good.

5. Homemade gluten free oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I actually probably won't eat any of them because they are calorie-fat bombs, but the batter was good-at least what I could taste through my stuffy nose.

Day Seven

1. Creative kids.

2. The feeling I get when we sing songs from Sound of Music at All School Meeting.

3. I am becoming more organized at work.

4.  How Bugsy looks when he sleeps.

5.  Friday!! Arco, weekend, sleeping in.

Day Six

1. Free rice with lunch (after I complained)

2. Funny kids singing songs.

3. The sun is back.

4.  Spicy Tuna Roll for dinner.

5. CPR class ending early.

Day Five

1. Kids who are growing on me.

2. The rain. The sound, the smell, the drops on the window.

3. Not having to be in the rain as part of my job.

4. Engaging my core - in pilates.

5. Red wine. I experimented with whites this summer, but tonight I had a nice glass of red-the first in a long time. It was delightful.

Day Four

1. Pumpkin pie at lunch

2. Seeing an old student, whom I had in third grade, who is now in ninth.

3. Having more patience with students than I thought possible. 

4. Seeing my school ID card and noticing how I look old, but not old as in an old lady, but mature...like a woman. I actually didn't really like that, but other peoples' reactions to that comment were amusing. 

5. A successful Back to School Night. 

Day Three

So, maybe I shouldn't have started this on a weekend. Mondays are tough. Garfield and I should have stayed in bed...eating lasagna and terrorizing the dog. A lot didn't go right today. Nothing was particularly bad, but I had to dig to get five today:

1. This made me smile as I got in my car this morning. Thank you Jesse.

2. My co-worker brought me Indian spices so Jesse could make me authentic Indian food. Delicious!

3. The weather was perfect today. 

4. My last minute science lesson was delightful. I saw some students shine in ways I had not yet seen.

5. This made me laugh out loud...during a math lesson I was supposed to be helping teach. 

Day Two

Okay, this is a little harder than I thought...

Today's five:

1. Microwave shopping at Fry's: This was in the microwave...maybe to convince me to buy it?
















2. The presents Bugsy brings me when I come home.

3. 9 miles! It's been a while since I have run that far. It felt wonderful.

4. Holding hands with Scott while playing Quelf.  Such good friends and we never hold hands!

5. Jesse as Frankenstein (again, Quelf)

Day One

I have been mulling over what this month would bring me. Having started school, therefore spending my days with a lot more people than I had for three months, I became increasingly aware of my negativity. Now, I have always been a bit of a negative person-at least in regards to other people.  I am prone to unfair judgments of others, dwelling on things that irritate me about a person, or not giving people a chance, or second chance. It is something I have been actively working on for about two years. At some point I realized that in order to be a happier person, I needed to stop thinking such awful things about others.

Anyway, I surprised myself returning to work at how many negative thoughts I would have throughout the day. Also, it seemed to be particularly with people I know, but not very well. Not strangers, not friends, but people whom I know well enough to feel that I am able pass judgement but not well enough to care that I may be being unfair.  That is really terrible. What is interesting though, is that it wasn't the thoughts themselves I would notice, but my immediate subsequent thought of telling someone else. I became aware of my own nastiness through the realization that I wanted to share it with others! I am very embarrassed about this, especially since I really thought I had made a lot of progress opening my heart and mind to others. Or worse, maybe I have...Jesus, I must have been truly awful then.

This got me thinking about how 'good' I am about finding the bad, annoying, or frustrating elements of other people,  My fear is that it does not stop at people, but the day in general. During my walks with the dogs, when I would have these rosy, love-moments with the world, I thought maybe it would be healthy to find just one thing a day that makes me smile. I thought I could make that my focus, rather than some of the pettiness I can be drawn to. I resolved to make this my next twenty-nine day project...but then today in yoga, my teacher said something truly inspiring:

She began the class talking about the 'buzz' that this October is one of the rare months where there are five Saturdays and five Sundays in the month.  Supposedly this only happens every 843 years, however she pointed out that this isn't true-it happens about every 14-and I seem to recall it happened once already this year (thank you Facebook.) Anyway, this 'phenomenon', according to Feng Shui, is supposed to generate a lot of good luck. The focus of the class then was generating our own luck-our own good fortune-rather than ascribing to superstition.  But, in the spirit of the rarity of the 5 and 5 occurrence, we did five of everything: five ohms, five sun salutations, five twists, five balances, five handstands, five back bends...you get the idea.

I thought then maybe - considering my ability to find many things to not like or not be happy about - I should up the ante a little and, each day, find five things that make me happy.  One is too easy.  Now, I don't want to give the impression that I have trouble finding things to be happy about. In fact, quite the opposite. There are many things (people, stuff, moments, sounds) in my life that each and everyday I think about how much I appreciate and love tremendously. The problem though, is that I am not sharing any of that with other people. I, for some reason, think that Jesse wants to hear all of my mean thoughts rather than my gushy ones. That is some flawed thinking.

So, I am committing to documenting and sharing five things that made me happy, or simply made me smile, over the course of the day. I hope the space needed in my heart and brain for such thoughts will push out some of that negativity.

Today's Top Five:

1. My yoga teacher finally asked me to demonstrate after soooo long.

2. A woman in my yoga class who was hootin' the whole time. It was her first time to yoga and she found many of the poses very challenging, and painful.  Usually, people keep their expression of difficulty minimal; a grunt or heavy breathing, but she was "Oh God!" and "Your're killing me!" It was hilarious. I don't laugh out loud in yoga often, but today I did.

3. Homemade dinner. Jesse hasn't cooked for me in a while. (Woe is me, right?) but typically, when he doesn't cook, it also means we don't spend time together. If he is too tired to cook, then he is too tired to hang out as well and so he retreats to the computer. So tonight a meal, and an evening, with my man.

4. Found  a cool book at the book store and indulged myself and actually bought it. I usually just think about it for a long time then walk away.

5. A Mexican birthday party for a three year old. It was a mellow, back yard, home cooked meal affair. I'm always struck by families who love each one another so dearly. Even though I know there is sub layer of drama in everyone's lives, watching this family be together is absolutely wonderful. And the relaxed, unpretentious nature of just hanging out in the backyard, drinking, grilling, chatting. It is everything I want for my one-day family. There was so much love in the air and to be part of it, to be welcomed by it, was humbling and inspiring. I kind of think this should count as more than one thing that made me happy, because it made me happy on so many levels.

Day Twenty-nine

Yes! I did it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't waiting for this twenty and nine days to end.
This is what became very clear to me:
Doing anything, everyday, is hard. Hard may not be the right word...challenging?
What was different about this is that I had to force myself to give each day. Give my time and energy to someone else. Seeing as that is the nature of my job, I find this especially hard when I come home and have become accustom to taking that time to  focus on me. That 'me' time is often related to work or school or general home duties, but at least I am getting things done. Walking the dogs means I abandon all of that and focus on them, even if just for a brief 20 minute jaunt. I discovered that I really enjoyed it, usually, once I was out and about. There was something relaxing, comforting, knowing I was being a good mom. I also found myself extremely relieved, however, knowing that I won't have to do this tomorrow. Maybe that is what it is like sending your kids to camp, or leaving them with a babysitter.

It reminds me of an NPR story I listened to many years ago. The reporter talking to Matt Groening about the genius that is The Simpsons. He was pointing out how one of the beautiful aspects about the show is how it captures the minutia of human experience, the mundane, banal, moments that no one thinks are interesting to relate to anyone else, and yet does so with spot on clarity and humor. He exampled an episode where Homer raises a lobster as a pet, then winds up eating it at the end of the show. While scarfing down the once dearly loved creature (while donning a lobster bib) he's crying and saying, "you know who would love this? Pinchy...." The very animal he is devouring is the same as the one he wishes were there sharing in the moment with him. The reporter goes on to equate this to his own experiences leaving his kids at home for a Date Night with his wife - an excuse to get away, grown ups only, adult conversation - and ultimately missing his children.

I love them, Bugsy and Oskar. I love all the things about them that drive me crazy. I love how they press against me 4:00 am so that I cannot move in the bed and know I have only a couple more precious hours of sleep. I love how they weasel their way into every body part crevice in order to be snuggled when Jesse and I are attempting to watch a movie. I love how they hop, and slobber, and twirl every time I come home as I make way to put my bags down. I love how they bark at opposums in the middle of the night or the same mailman after five years with the same ferocity as the night or day before.  It drives me crazy at times, yet if they didn't do it, I would miss it terribly.

We have a neighbor who has two Boston terriers. He was walking them the other morning and they were both pulling on the leash as though they had somewhere very important to go. They were so determined and eager, but for what? Bugsy also does this.  He will incessantly drag you along, only to stop and sniff a tree for five minutes. Stop and goooooooooooooo. Stop and gooooooooooo.  There is no simple walk with a Boston, just bursts of energy interjected by extensive sniffing. I found myself thinking how cute they were, because they were just like Bugsy...except when Bugsy does that, it's annoying.

I have only done one handstand outside of yoga since August. I truly hope I will make more of an effort to maintain this 'habit'.  Selfishly, I tell myself they won't want to walk once it is cold outside. That is like saying a kid won't want ice cream because it is snowing.

So, I end with this: a video that was actually taken a few weeks ago. What happens here is a frequent occurrence when we take this walking path through the neighborhood, but one we don't do very often. I was hoping to get a better video by the end of the twenty and nine days, but didn't.  And so I give you Oskar vs. The Terracotta Coyote.
(He thinks it's real)

See you in October.

Day Twenty-three

I am counting down the days. Our daily walks have started to feel onerous. It is a little like exercising: I dread doing it until I actually do, then I'm glad I did...usually. When I most enjoy it, however, is when I let myself focus on the dogs. When I make a point to notice their reactions to the things around them and suddenly their respective idiosyncrasies are wildly apparent. This is what makes it fun.

Oskar only pees on bushes...bushes he is able to mount. 

Bugsy pees as often as possible, on everything.

This type of plant looks painful to me.

But they both went for it. 

A quick #2 as well. 

What I love the most is that Bugsy sticks his tongue out when he pees. I never noticed that until today. 

Day Eighteen

Today we pretended we were rich. I donned a sun hat and took the dogs to a fancy neighborhood in Pasadena for their walk. We parked my not-rich car and strolled the various Avenues, Places, Ways, and Circles. Houses quickly transitioned from Mountain Lodge, to Folk Victorian, to Craftsman, and even one that resembled a Mayan temple. Every 50 feet I could imagine I was somewhere else in the world, somewhere else in time. I also like to imagine that I live in one of these palaces. That I will walk into a cool, clean, and beautifully decorated home. No dog hair, no garbage on the floor, no self-made ventilation by opening every door and window and strategically placing fans... This always gets me thinking about what one must do to afford a house like this. Doctors and lawyers I guess? Certainly not teachers. It never ceases to amaze me how many people have so much money.  There are so many more people with not enough-but there are all these people with a lot.  And, the neighborhood we were in was very, very nice-but was my no means the wealthiest part of Pasadena.  So to imagine, that there are neighborhoods of people with even more! Wild.

I only felt a little bad when the dogs peed on their lawns.

Day Seventeen

I failed!

I am absolutely guilt ridden.

It was yesterday. It was not by choice. It was a total accident.

6:15 I wake up, go for a run. I don't bring Oskar because I know I will be home after school to take both dogs out.

8:45-3:15 Working

3:30 Drinks with the girls after work

6:00ish Get home, Jesse is hungry so we go out to dinner. We agree to take them when we get back.

7:30 Home from dinner. I walk into the bedroom, lay down....and I'm out until 7:45 this morning.

I just conked out. I'd like to think it was the mixture of afternoon drinks with the sheer exhaustion of teaching.  Getting back into the swing of things is hard.  I would wake up periodically through the night aware that I had failed my dogs, and my plan. I am so disappointed in myself! I am also aware, that it isn't a huge deal, and it was an accident, which is entirely different than me choosing to not fulfill my commitment...but nonetheless, I am very unhappy about it.  I am only in month two and already I have neglected responsibility...

I also realize that no one will really care, so in order to not feel guilty-I have to forgive myself. I am the only person who is monitoring myself each day, keeping tabs, holding myself accountable. In the end, there is a lesson in that I suppose. If I can't forgive myself for this, how can I expect to forgive myself for the larger mistakes I will inevitably make in life? Or is it the fact that it isn't a big deal that I am more punitive with myself than I may be in other, more meaningful, situations.

As Berley would say, "Get over it."

Day Fourteen

Twenty-nine days already seems like a long time to do something. There are some days when I. Just. Don't. Want. To. There are other days when I am pleased that I have committed to something, like walking the dogs, and really enjoy the time I spend with them.  This happens more often when I walk them in the early evening. The light is absolutely beautiful this time of day. Everything is literally rose-tinted by the setting sun. I find myself noticing the beauty in the finite details of our walks, such as the careful placement of stepping stones in a lawn or the crunching of dry leaves on the sidewalk.  I feel so relaxed and at peace.

When I begin to analyze my thoughts - probably not a very peace invoking activity - the hokey-ness of them makes me want to gag a little. I think about and take in my surroundings with the same blind optimism of young love. I adopt the belief, during our short little walks, that the world, in all of its warm, glowing, soft glory is a wondrous place that we take for granted.  I mean, it is, but I think I get a little carried away.

I do truly appreciate however that I have taken more notice of my surroundings. I feel as though I have rediscovered my neighborhood and at the same time, am discovering it for the first time. It is reassuring that ten years in the same city has not made me love it any less.

And even as I approach home - my not so rosy, but rather dusty, cluttered, ant infested reality - I do so with a laugh, thanks to my dear, dear Bugsy.

Day Nine

So I cheated a little today: I only took Oskar out. It is only 5:21 though, so Bugsy still has a chance...

My case: I got up very early this morning to go on a run. Oskar got up with me. He followed me around the house as I got ready, so I started to consider the possibility of taking him. The thing is, Oskar will run, Bugsy won't. While I was debating if I should bring Oskar, Bugsy got out of bed to see what all the commotion was about. This is because Oskar starting his excited wiggle dance-which is very loud and includes some whimpering-so Bugsy needed to investigate, lest he be left out. I told Bugsy to "go back to bed" and he did, so I decided to take Oskar.

He made about two miles. Bugsy would have crapped out at the end of the block.

So, while the goal is to take the dogs out everyday, the point is to have more quality time with them. Running is something Oskar rarely gets to do, simply because Bugsy cannot. So, in that sense, I think it does count. Bugsy has also taken to sleeping on my pillow and kicking me all night as he tries to find a comfortable position, so I'm not too worried about him feeling loved.

Day Four

We have a few routes through the neighborhood. This is one of Oskar's favorite stopping points.

Day Three

I don't know when the last time I took the dogs on a walk three days in a row. It might have been last summer. At the beginning of our walks, Oskar stays very close to me. He never goes ahead more than a couple of feet and will frequently stop and turn around, waiting for me to 'catch up'.  This is accompanied by a very specific look.  To anyone else, this is a look of  incredibly happiness, in his dopey, tongue-wagging way. I interpret it as an expression of the sadness.  The type that laces a moment of pleasure that you know will be taken away from you.  It is as if he is looking at me, trying to figure out my motive. Why so many walks lately mom?  As though he doesn't trust all this recent kindness. As if I'm being too nice.  I am fully aware that I am projecting my own guilt and that he probably is just wondering why I don't start walking faster.  I need to get over that.

It has been really lovely, our short little walks. I have noticed that when I follow their lead; where to go, for how long, and how fast-the walks are pretty brief. It is also hot right now - at least, for a someone in a fur coat - so they know when they are done.  They also know their way home (at least Oskar does.) I had always wondered about this. I sort of assumed that if left to their own devices they could find their way home, but actually knowing the way seems different.  There is something instinctual about returning to safety, to comfort, and so they do.

This is a nice mindset with which to start the school year: not to impose limits on myself and the kids that restrict our exploration of a topic. That is, trusting that when given the freedom to move at will, at one's own pace, we will all end up at home-and in good time.

Day One

New month. Now what?

I have been thinking a lot lately about children. Do I want them? Will I want them? Will I regret the decision I make, whichever it is? Layered in all this are concerns about what I will be like as a parent. There are some characteristics that I can anticipate - and that I do not like one bit - such as being psychotically overprotective or harboring delusions of my child's grandeur.  Then there are the fears that bring me shame, like 'what if my child is ugly?' or 'what if no one likes him/her?' Basically, I worry about doing the exact thing I set out to not do; that the exact opposite of my intention for my child will happen.

In these moments of imaginary-baby-mommy-relationship stress, I will often reflect on my job as a dog parent.  How am I doing in that department? If they were people, would I be proud of them? Would I think I had done a good job raising them? The answer is usually no. I am sort of a terrible dog parent. I often forget to feed them a meal, I let them eat off the floor, Jesse had to train me to refill their water, I don't ever clean their poop up (which is basically why we don't use the backyard anymore), and - worst of all - I pay very little attention to them. In fact, I have started to notice that I pay attention to them when I want attention. That is like the human fast track to a therapists office.

Over the course of the last school year, I placed to blame on 'time'.  I was very busy and I promised myself, and the dogs, that I would spend a lot of time with them during the summer. I didn't. Going back to work this week, I have been carrying around some shame about this.  This was highlighted when a co-worker shared that he spent his whole summer spending time with his two dogs and how he got to know them better. Ah! This was the tipping point.

For the next 29 days I am going to walk the dogs. I realize that probably sounds very boring and also, not hard. But-I think the dogs went on three walks this whole summer and they usually were because I felt like I needed exercise so I dragged them out into the hot sun for 20 minutes tugging their leashes so I could keep my heart-rate up. If they were human children, they would be taken from me.

So, 29 days of selfless commitment to my dogs. I want to reconnect with their oddball personalities, let them explore the world beyond our house, find solace in just being with them.  To be fair (to me) I did do this in the puppy phase, I have just let it slip a bit.  I have become lazy in my parenting and rely too much on their unconditional love of me. It is time I showed them that in return.

So here's to Bugsy and Oskar and lots of leash time.

Day Twenty-nine

Done and done.

Here is what I noticed: over the course of the last 29 days I was struck by how difficult it was to remember that there was something very specific I was supposed to do.  Particularly since I was on summer vacation. I really didn't have much to keep track of.  It is interesting to think about habits in that way.  Maybe, by nature, a habit is something that is not intentional, making it hard to force one upon one's self.  I guess the goal-or intention-would be ritual.  This takes some sort of devotion, diligence, and patience I suppose, whereas a habit seems to be something that manifests. In some instances, they are probably not mutually exclusive.

I am also intrigued by how not therapeutic it all was. Maybe this is the ritual part of it. When expected to 'perform' each and every day, the mental benefit is muddied a bit. I am also aware that it could have been more so, and I am a little disappointed in myself about this. For example, today's stand was actually a series: a  hand stand, head stand, and forearm stand. I waited until I got home from yoga to do them, so I would be warm and wouldn't hurt myself. I asked Jesse to take pictures so I could have some documentation. I became amazingly irritated-and totally aware of how counter productive it all seemed-by small things impeding the picture taking process. I becoming very upset, and snappy, all for the sake of my last stands. That hardly seemed like the point of all this.

Nonetheless, I will accept it as an awareness. I will contemplate what this says about me as a person. How does this reflect the way in which I walk through my days?  My life?

I will also say though, that my various stands got so much better. While I still use the wall as a guide, I have a lot more strength to keep my balance once I separate from the wall. Maybe this is what I should be reflecting on. In fact, I am most proud of the most recent pose I did. It is called Scorpion Pose. It is not quite the full pose (http://images.teamsugar.com/files/upl1/1/12981/29_2008/scorpion.jpg) but I got very close. I had never been able to do that until today. In my Saturday yoga class I was almost able to do it on my own, so I practiced when I got home. Then today, I did it! Part of my above mentioned irritation came from the fact that Jesse didn't seem to get a picture of that exact moment.  I suppose that made it all the more about 'the process' and 'being present' and 'staying in the moment.'  Essentially, all that is Yoga.

In any case, it was an immensely satisfying accomplishment.  I guess I couldn't have asked for a better way to end these twenty and nine days.

With that, I'll see you September 1st!