Day Twenty-nine

Sorry it has been a while.

Three nights ago I had no recollections of my dreams.  I woke up often during the night and each time I was thinking about The Hunger Games. Why? I have no idea.  I have not read it. I have not seen the movie. For some reason, it was on my brain. I don't know if I was dreaming about it or, if for whatever reason, it was just there when I woke up to change positions every hour or so.

The night before last I had no dreams. I couldn't fall asleep and it was only when I woke up at 5:15 that I realized that I had fallen asleep at all. I remember thinking, "at least I have one more hour to sleep" and closed my eyes...only to have the alarm go off a mere second later. Bad sleep = no dreams.

Last night was much more rich. Many of the dreams had to do with parent/student/teacher conferences that were scheduled for today. There was one that involved a parent coming at the wrong time for their conference. While I began to realize that the receptionist was the one who had actually made a number of mistakes with the scheduling, I started to wonder why I was having a conference with this family at all because neither of their children are in my class.

Another dream was that my old boss came back. I was in her office with some other co-workers and she was telling us about all the things that were going on in her life.She casually mentioned that one of her kids was graduating from high school. We (my co-workers) all stared at each other because none of us knew anything about her personal life, especially that she had not one, but two children, and especially that they were old enough to be in college.

See you next month.

Day Twenty-six

Last night's dreams involved a lot of, what I call, dream-physics. I was moving around a lot, traveling, from various parts of the city. There was some purpose in all of it, but that I don't remember, I was at some event, I think in Pasadena, that was similar to a street fair.  I walked into a wine-bar because it looked like they were serving food. I don't remember if I wanted to eat at that moment, but I think I wanted to check it out for a possible Date Night location. When I walked in, it was clearly a very intimate affair that led me to believe that this wine bar did not always serve meals, but rather was doing so for some occasion.I couldn't tell who was in charge and I was trying to ask basic questions, such as "when are you open? what is on your dinner menu?" etc... The women at the table nearest me started trying to greet me, but I felt so stupid and out of place I didn't know how to start asking for the information I wanted. I was trying to casually mention that I didn't want to eat now, but in the future, like later in the week. I was making reference to my far too laid back dress: jeans and a t-shirt as evidence that I of course wasn't implying I wanted to dine at this fine establishment the way I was. The woman who seemed to be in charge (though I wasn't entirely sure) made some comment about changing my jeans and coming back later.

Then I wanted to run home. I was trying to run and it was so hard (dream physics)  there was a family walking near me on the sidewalk,  I was annoyed that they were walking just as fast as I was running. I was trying so hard, but still these little girls were trotting along side me playfully.

Then I was in a car. I was driving on the freeway completely recklessly (more dream physics.) My view from the front seat was similar to the perspective a racing video game.  And my driving was similar. I was flying up on banks, crossing multiple lanes of traffic, and violently over-correcting my turns. I was irritated by my lack of control over the car and actually thought to myself, "this is how I drive in my dreams"

In both the running and driving parts of my dream, I was aware that what I was experiencing was dream physics, yet I never thought I was in a dream.  I was, however, put out by the fact that what I knew made no scientific sense was seemingly happening in real life.

That alone would be an interesting thought to mull over.

Day Twenty-five

I have absolutely no idea what I dreamed about last night. I think this may be in part because I was awoken so many times  for a variety of reasons. The most memorable was in the wee hours of the morning. Jesse doesn't recall any of this happening and therefore thinks it was in fact a dream....

I was in that foggy realm of sleep where I'm not sure if I was half awake when I heard the noise or if the sound was in fact what woke me up. Anyway, I was startled by the sound of a baby crying. It was that distinct middle-of-the-night-baby-wail. It was loud and clear. So loud and clear, in fact that it sounded like it was practically outside the window. The dogs woke up too. They jumped up immediately and started to run outside. I tried to stop them so I could hear better.  It sounded so much like a baby, but I thought it could possibly be a cat (occasionally we do hear middle-of-the-night-cat-in-heat moans) so I was trying to keep the dogs in so I could distinguish which it was.  I also didn't want the dogs to add to the noise by running outside and barking. In my mid-sleep-ness, I started to worry that if it was a baby, maybe it was a baby in the backyard (a la baby in the bassinet on the front porch) and if the dogs went out they'd trample it. Then I figured, if there was indeed a baby in the backyard, and if the dogs found it, I'd know right away and I'd know to get up and investigate.  So I let them go.  To my knowledge, there was no baby in the backyard, and the dogs didn't even bark when they went outside.  They came back in only to hear the wailing again, and return outside to nothing. Now, the most bizarre part of all this is that none of our neighbors have babies. They are all retired.  I suppose it could be a visiting grandchild, but even still, the crying was so loud, it seems odd that the crying would have carried through so many walls, windows, and yard.

So, while I know it wasn't a dream, it was still a mid-night experience that occurred while I was sleeping that has haunted me all day.

Day Twenty-four

I've had some computer issues lately, hence the gap in posts. 

The night before last:

My co-worker, S., was becoming very frustrated with a particularly challenging child.  I was listening to him scold the child and I turned to do something else, for I could tell he had a handle on it.  Then while I wasn't looking he started spanking the kid. When  I turned to look at what was going on, the student said something about hitting him and I started to freak out about this teacher abusing the child and how I was going to handle  it.  The kid seemed fine, if anything I got the sense that he couldn't wait to tell his parents so that we would get in trouble. I kept asking S. what he did, trying to determine what the spanking looked like. Was it over the knee, bare-butt? or pants on? or actual paddling? or blatant hitting? For some reason, I had it in my head that if it was a 'traditional' spanking, like one that parent might give their kid, that then it would be explainable. I couldn't get a straight answer though. 

Last night:

There were two, or maybe one in parts that I don't remember how they connect. In one I was meeting up with an old friend Rae, I have not talked to in years at this point.  It is worth mentioning however that that she has popped up in my dreams a few times, always in a 'let's catch up and hang out' sort of way.  I was telling her about seeing her friends around town, like at the grocery store or the gas station. Then we went out somewhere, and I think we were flying over city in an airplane or maybe  helicopter. It was nighttime, so it was beautiful. We were above most of the buildings, but still close enough to see the cars below. Some of the buildings were so tall that we'd fly right by the top stories or the ornamentation atop the building.  I was amazed at how enormous everything was when you were right there next to it.

Another dream was in Tucson. Jesse and I were looking through a garage full of stuff that Lucy, his mom, had been holding on to for us.  I wanted so much of it for school that I was trying to convince Jesse that we should rent a U-haul to take it back home. Then we were in the car with his sister. I was looking at Jesse and it looked like he was wearing mascara. I asked him about it and he said he thought it looked "intense" or something like that. I said, "No, it looks faggy." I couldn't believe that I said that, but I also wanted him to know how much I didn't like it.  His retort was something about my tattoos, and I responded again with some awful slur. I was so embarrassed that I was saying these things, especially in front of someone else.  I was worried what his sister, Margaret, would think.  However, not enough to apologize or self correct in anyway.

Day Twenty-one

The night before last was a blur. I knew it had to do with running, or at least the preparation for running. I think I was trying to make plans or figure out a route or something. I also vaguely remember being in my house (and it actually was my house, not some random conglomerate of past houses I've been in) and it was raining outside.  (Maybe this was where my running planning was becoming foiled?) There was some commotion going on with some people who were parked in front of our house and I remember feeling uneasy. I wasn't scared, but just cautious. Right before I woke up I was dreaming about eating cookies. I just kept eating them! Then I found the calorie information and I was mad at myself for eating so many damn cookies. When I woke up, I was relieved that I didn't actually eat that many cookies, but also a little pleased that I could enjoy them in my dream. That is totally sick.

Last night was so vivid until I woke up. I tried so hard to remember my dreams but couldn't recall much. At one point in the night I woke up and had to consciously tell myself to stop thinking about work so that I would stop dreaming about it.  So I know I had a work dream and I know it had to do with next year.

Trying to remember my dreams is a bizarre experience. Usually they are just there. It is not uncommon for me to say, "I had this dream last night..." In fact, as a child I would frequently say "I had a dream..." and my mom and step-dad would say, "Yeah, you and Martin" referencing the beginning of MLK's famous speech.  It is funny how now that I've taken the time to actually document them, it is so much harder to remember.

Today a student in my class started saying, "this was in my dream last night!" over and over.  Were I not a fellow dreamer, it would have seemed distracting-for he really wanted to tell his classmates that what I had just said and what was going on was in fact in his dream last night. And it was distracting, as he caught the attention of many of the other students, but I could totally relate to that feeling: that moment when the brain clicks and you realize that something about the present was with you the night before.   How many times have I seen someone and immediately felt that rush of remembering our experiences together...in my dream.   Just the sight of the person floods the memory (or some part of the brain) with images, but sometimes only feelings, sensations. It is similar to smelling a particular scent after many years and in a millisecond being hurdled back to a very distinct point in one's life. We all have that. For me it is laundromat laundry machines and Old Spice deodorant.

How strange to experience that with sight, and in a way that is quite personal and that those involved have absolutely no idea.

Day Nineteen

This one is brief:

I was in a huge building. Part of the time it was supposed to be a mall, so imagine high ceilings, lots of light, multiple floors, open middle area, however it was also a college campus building at one point as well. I think I was with Jesse and we were supposed to be meeting my mom somewhere. I can't remember if I knew she was with her new boyfriend, or if I found that out later.  When we finally spotted them, her new boyfriend was actually two young men. They were probably in their 20's and had a thuggish quality to them, ne'er do wells some might say.  When we started talking, I made some snarky comment about their age to which her reply implied that she was breaking up with them.  She said something very cryptic, like "well this isn't going to be lasting much longer, is it so-and-so?"  She really only spoke to one of the men, but did so in a very condescending tone.  We were trying to make plans to meet at her house, and I needed directions from where we were. Unfortunately, she didn't want to discuss this in front of her boyfriends, so she kept making signals with her eyes and motioning with her head to not reveal any details about where she lived.  I realized that now that she was breaking up with these guys, she didn't want them to know anything personal about her. I was trying to be vague, by saying things like, "we'll just head north, right?" and she'd start shaking her head as if to say "you are giving them too much information!" She was being so ridiculous about the whole thing that I was beginning to get frustrated, not only with her paranoia, but with the fact that she was making this whole scenario far more difficult than it needed to be in part because she thought it would be a good idea to date two 20 year old kids who were walking stereotypes of someone who would hold up a liquor store for quick cash.

Day Eighteen

One dream involved my work people again. My boss was showing us all her pedicure.  She had to peel something, like a film, off her toe nails in order to show us the color. When she peeled it back, there were imprints in the polish that indicated which toe it was, like R4. As she was revealing her toes, and they all had this imprint, we realized that whoever had done her nails had done something incorrectly that left these images on her toes. I started giggling. I thought it was so funny to have labels on your toes!  I know there was more than that, but that is all I remember, because I woke up laughing.

Then I was a kid, or maybe a teenager, and I was looking for my mom. I was skateboarding around a city and I knew my mom (who I was not envisioning as my mother at all) was also skateboarding.  It felt as though I was looking for a runaway, as though I knew my mom had run off to go skate to clear her head or relax, but I needed to find her and know where she was. There was someone who was helping me look for her and we were walking around a part of town that was mostly warehouses and parking lots. We heard the sound of a skateboard and we figured out she was on the roof of one of the buildings.  Then I was by myself and it wasn't my mom, it was Jesse. (Paging Dr. Freud)  We were walking down from the roof, but by going through someone's loft.  Jesse was walking around the apartment so comfortably that I knew he had been there before. He even started going through the closet for clothes. I asked him if the clothes were his, and he said no, but was taking them anyway.  I started to suspect that he was having an affair with the woman who lived there and that was why he knew his way around.  It was either that or he had figured out these people's schedule so well that he made use of their house while they were away. Both scenarios were troubling, though obviously in very different ways.  I didn't know how to ask him about this without sounding paranoid.  I knew that any way I broached the subject would sound so ridiculous that it would be easy for him to dismiss it as me 'being crazy'.

Another dream had a similar tone, in that I was suspecting Jesse of cheating on me. However, in the second one, my suspicion came from his attempts to be amorous. I wasn't trusting his advances! I think he took me somewhere secluded to 'woo' me and instead of finding it romantic, I immediately assumed this was his 'spot' where he took women for a secret rendezvous. Even though there was no reason to suspect an ulterior motive, I couldn't shake the feeling.

In the spirit of full disclosure, in my waking life I have some deep rooted issues with trust. This has nothing to do with Jesse, and has entirely to do with me. Something I have noticed as I transcribe my dreams is how incredibly telling they are of my neuroses, anxieties, and insecurities.  I am comfortable sharing the dreams themselves, but I am not ready to start divulging where it all stems from. It is actually a little sad that so much 'issue' consumes my subconscious particularly since I have a lot of other 'issues' I'm attempting to manage in my waking life! 

If I had time for a tangent I would talk about the brain, however, then I would never stop. That is for another day.

Day Seventeen

Last night was bizarre.

I wasn't at work, but I was in some setting where everyone I work with was there.  I overheard someone make a snide remark about me, that implied that favoritism and exclusion. It really hurt my feelings, especially since the person said it to our boss.  Our boss proceeded to agree and partake in this conversation. So I started yelling at everybody. I was crying and trying to find my words so I didn't just look  hysterical.  I could't keep my composure though because I was so upset.  Then I started yelling at my boss because I couldn't believe that she, of all people, would participate in such a petty conversation.  I also couldn't believe I was yelling at my boss.

It was quite emotional.

I know I had other dreams after that, but this is the one that lingered. I didn't even need to (attempt to) write it down.

Day Sixteen

I will do my best to relate these oddities clearly.

Dream one: It was like a Sports Day at work..except the event took place all over a city.  There was a very Grecian feel to it all, lots of white buildings and people wearing toga-ish outfits.  All the kids and teachers were involved, however, we were all doing our own events.  I was at no time responsible for children and when I'd run into them in between activities, it was clear they were in no need of my assistance.  Everyone was moving around to the various sporting event that they wanted to partake in.  At one point I was in a river. I was swimming and realized I wanted to get somewhere else soon, but the swimming there, via river, was too time consuming.  This girl passed me and she had a mermaid fin. I thought to myself, "I totally should have done that! But then I'd be stuck with the fin and couldn't do any activities where I needed legs." It was a fleeting moment where I was rationalizing my way out of my long-time childhood fantasy of being a mermaid.  That is what is so amazingly fascinating about dreams; a flurry of memories and emotions are encapsulated in a passing glance.  How is that possible? How am I able to recall a complex thought process that involves reminiscing, analysis of nostalgia, and then conclusion in the span of a two-sentence encounter with a figment of my imagination.

The dream was very much a traveling dream. I moved from place to place in this event. I talked to many people. At one point I was in a classroom that was overgrown with trees and bushes. There were so many elements of my life in the dream, though put together in a most unusual way.

Dream two: Jesse and I were at home (though it was not our house, it looked more like our old apartment) and it was late at night.  One of us heard something and knew there was someone in the house.  Jesse got up and grabbed something to use as a weapon. When he opened the door, there was a guy in the hallway.  Jesse stabbed him, but it was in his face or neck or some place on the upper part of his body.  The man's reaction was as if he had been choked or had been drowning.  He started coughing up fluid, spitting, and eventually vomiting. This began to take over the rest of the dream. This man was continually vomiting.  He would be fine for a while, then rush to a toilet or the sink.  It got to a point where we no longer concerned with him being in our house, just that he found a place to barf. There would be times where I was in the bathroom and he'd come rushing in.  Since I was using the toilet, he'd have to use the sink.  I almost felt bad for him.  Also, it was incredibly disgusting.

Analyze that.

Day Fifteen

The night before last I did not remember at thing. This morning I had a vague recollection of a snippet, however it involved my yoga teacher again, so it is possible that is a memory from the night before that.

That has been what is so fascinating about this process. I will wake up every morning with varying shades of memories.  Sometimes they are so fresh that I can't imagine forgetting them.  I find myself checking in with my memory, to make sure it is still there for when I have time to sit and write, but more than the memory, what I recall is the feeling. That is how I am able to connect with the memories, is through the emotional response that they trigger. That is wild.

My notes to myself last night were:

Ihop, van, driving, Rae, Britt, climbing ladder, (something undecipherable) and great grandma. Off to the side of the paper is a scribble. I do not know if that was an attempt at writing. Most of my notes conjure only brief images and I remember thinking it was weird to be dreaming about Ihop.

At some point in the day I remembered something that I didn't write down which I haven't forgotten it all day.

Jesse and I were in the front yard with the dogs. They were running around wildly and I kept trying to call them in to the house. They were running very near the street, and the cars driving by, and I was starting to get upset.  We finally wrangled them in and I picked up Bugsy and started carrying him like a baby (that I do from time to time) but then he was a baby. I was holding this little baby, with dark hair and surprisingly dark skin (I mean, assuming it was my and Jesse's baby.)  However, in the dream, I didn't think of the baby as my child. I related to him in the same way as I do the dogs, they're my babies, but not my human babies.  Someone (I'm not sure who) made some comment to the effect of "this is what it will be like when you have a kid."  I think they were referring to the fear surrounding the child getting hurt, but what I really understood was the feeling of holding that tiny little baby in my arms and loving it so deeply.  It was strange, because I had this awareness that the feeling I was experiencing wasn't towards my actual child, so that when that time comes, that feeling will be so much more intense.

I know exactly where this dream came from, there is no question about that.  I am starting to worry however about how fear is a reoccurring theme in my dreams.

Day Thirteen

Well, I'm sorry. I forgot about tthe night before last again.

I actually had a very vivid non-work dream, but of course, by the end of the day it had faded from memory. It involved Scott and some spat between him and Jesse.

Last night had its own set of oddities. I actually managed to reach over sleeping dogs to scribble a note to myself. It reads:

The top definitely says Eden lunch (I remember that part) but the second part I'm not so sure about; home haves? name naves? home naves?

Anyway, what I do remember from last night is that I was taking an exercise class, either yoga or pilates.  I was in the middle of it when my yoga teacher (who was not teaching the class) and her husband came by to have a picnic.I was supposed to eat with them,but I couldn't leave the class I was in.  They were setting up their blanket and food and beginning to eat.  I was getting anxious because I knew that by the time I was done with the class, they would be done eating. I think I may have had part of the meal as well, like part of my anxiousness was that I was supposed to bring something and I wouldn't be there to contribute.

I know there was more, but that is all I can recall today.

ce sont faits les reves. what dreams are made of.

Day Eleven

I literally remember nothing about my dreams last night. I have vague recollections of pieces of dreams, that involve me moving through a typical day, and the only way I can be sure they are not reality is that I know the events did not take place. For instance, finding the drill I have been looking for in the trunk of my car. That didn't happen.  Apparently, somewhere in my brain there is a thought floating around about wanting to hang that damn mirror and not being able to because Jesse won't look for the drill.

I was hoping something that happened today would trigger a memory, but no such luck.

I'm sorry.

Day Ten

Many of my dreams last night had to do with work, but that is because Friday was an intense day.

I know there was at least one that didn't have anything at all to do with work, but I can't remember it right now. Hopefully it will come to me at some point in the day.

There was another that was only loosely related. I was at a party being thrown by M.B.  I think it may have been a birthday party for her brother, or some family friend.  I didn't really know anyone there, except for the few people in M.B.'s family whom I've met before.  Everyone was gathered around outside for some presentation/announcement and her brother was calling over her daughter to help with the announcement.  He kept calling her name but she wasn't coming. I started to get worried but no one else seemed too freaked out.  Then M.B.started looking for her outside and I said I would search inside.  I went inside the house* and started looking for her in closets and under furniture,thinking she may be hiding. I was trusting my instinct, in that I didn't get the sense something bad had happened, but it was becoming increasingly nervous that we couldn't find her. I then remembered what it was like to be a kid and hide from you parents.  I remember the excitement from that early form of rebellion; knowing you are safe, but they don't know where you are.I remember gauging the tone of my mom's voice, from wonder, to nervousness, to panic and choosing the best time to reveal myself.  I remember that feeling of wanting to stay hidden, but knowing that she would quickly move into crisis mode, making it so that when I did crawl out from hiding, her relief would manifest as anger from her fear. She wouldn't take that anger out on me, but that emotional buildup would be palpable.  Or maybe, I just feel that way now because as an adult, someone responsible for children and with loved ones at home, I too now understand that response to thinking  I am about to face unimaginable horror.

I don't remember anything about the dream beyond that.

*The house we were in was a typical Eastside Seattle house.  It wasn't any particular house I remember from those days, but the layout and feel of the house was exactly that. It is an interesting idea to think about this element of dreams, one that I tend to ignore in terms of meaning.  There are certainly architectural styles that are found in various part of the country. It makes sense then, to take into consideration the emotional connection that is associated with one's experience living or spending time in a particular type of home.

My brain is too full right now to figure out what the hell a lost child, a house in Seattle, and M.B. are all doing in my subconscious, but just the sound of it doesn't seem particularly subtle.

Day Nine

So, it is imperative that I record my dreams first thing in the morning, as the memories fade over the course of the day.

Last night involved the usual suspects...work girls...but also the only (for all intensive purposes) guy as well as a lot of 'extras'. Extras are those folks who blend in with the lot of people you do know, but are relatively faceless and nondescript.

We were all at this very large house.  The occasion was a party for S. (the guy), though there was really no reason for having  a party.  Everyone bought him gifts and I remember thinking, or maybe he said, something to the effect of "This is proof that everyone likes him. They come to this 'no particular reason' party bearing gifts!" We were all spending the night at this house (the sleepover theme that keeps popping up is quite perplexing) and there was this woman, a passerby,who was trying to let us let her sleep in the house.  She seemed nice and normal enough, but the fact that she was begging for a place to stay for a night and her annoying persistence, made me question her motives. I walked her through the house to show her that there was no where for her to sleep, even though the place was huge. Upon walking through, I realized that the house was in complete disarray.  The  couch that people were going to be sleeping on was torn up and dirty.

That is all I remember.

I Googled a dream dictionary and looked up 'sleepover'. Curious.

Sleepover 
To dream that you are at a sleepover indicates that there is a situation that you are refusing to see or accept. You need to be more alert and pay attention to what is going around you. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to let your guard down and learn to be more open and receptive.

Day Eight

I have two problems.

First, all I do is dream about work. I didn't really understand how often I do this until these last few days. I literally dream about the crap I do all day...with some bizarre twists, such as setting or groupings of people.

Second, my dreams haven't been as vivid as they were when I had this brilliant idea. The last few nights of February were rich with incredibly graphic dreams. I can still remember them, feel them.  They were so detailed and intense (and often involved work) but were, nonetheless, far more interesting than the current lot.

I am slightly disappointed, but in what I'm not sure. So with that,

I vaguely remember being in a house, that had the feel of a country house, barn-ish.  The work girls were there and we were just chatting.  At one point we were all in a bed, in a casual, lounge-y way, (this is the second time this scenario has occurred) dishing gossip.  I became very aware of the fact that we were all just sitting around talking about other people and I started to feel guilty.  I started to feel as though we were actively digging ourselves into a hole that was going to be harder and harder to get out of.

I randomly remembered another tid-bit when I saw a particular student today. I dreamed that I found out her and her brother were leaving the school. This is how mundane my dreams are.  When I saw this student this morning, thus triggering this 'memory', I almost brought it up, forgetting that the interaction I had conjured in my sleep was just that, a bizarre manifestation of  thoughts and emotions buried in my ever-active subconscious.

Day Seven

Whoops! I totally forgot to write yesterday. Actually, I remembered many times that were most inopportune and then lastly at 12:30am-ish when I awoke suddenly.

I didn't remember much anyway. I know I was in a house that I had bought, or wanted to buy, and some uncomfortable conversations with my landlord. In part of it I was also driving very fast down a steep hill. I was on my phone as well, talking to Jesse, and I knew he'd be mad at me if he knew I was driving. I ended up in New Delhi* at some event that was supposed to be a camping trip. However, there were some of my old students there, so it appeared to be an all school camping trip (Good God!)

Then last night was vague too.  During the night, when I wake up in between dreams and in between snoring dogs, I will think to myself "this will be interesting to write about" and then I don't seem to remember the dreams when I wake up. I need to start keeping a notepad next to the bed for such moments.  Anyway, right before I woke up, I was dreaming that a M.B. and I were gossiping about the Madness.  That just must have been prepping my brain for the inevitable chatter that happened today, and will most likely continue for the next few weeks.

P.S.

I have been staying true to my resolutions.  I didn't wash my car this weekend only because I thought it was going to rain, so I still have to do that.

* At first I couldn't figure out where this came from, then I remembered the Seinfeld episode I was watching when I fell asleep is when they all go to India for a wedding.

Day Five

So last night was one of those dreams where I can picture parts of the dream in incredible detail, however attempting to describe it would be horribly unclear. I am reminded of that scene in Clueless, where Cher likens one girls' looks to a Monet:

Tai: Do you think she's pretty? 
Cher: No, she's a full-on Monet. 
Tai: What's a monet? 
Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber? 
Christian: Hagsville. 
Cher: See? 


That was my dream...a Monet. It involved a large house, which at one point I was sneaking around in for some reason, I believe with Jesse.  Then, later in this same house, was a party where I got in an argument with some girl. The girl looked like (though I don't think she was supposed to be) a high school kid from work. Her appearance was completely random. Considering how I often random people appear in my dreams, I wonder if I show up in theirs.  Does the idea of being on the same wavelength extend to people tens to hundreds of miles away? And in dream form? What a wonderful cosmic and social experiment that would be. I should start a website about that. (Patent pending.)


The only other interesting thing about my dream was that woke up in a funk. As I was getting ready, and bumping into Jesse as he was moving around in his morning routine, I felt as though we were mad at one another. I don't remember being mad when I fell asleep (which sometimes happens!) nor could I remember anything in particular from my dream that would cause me to be mad at him. The feeling was so intense however, that as I was leaving for work, I asked Jesse, "Are we mad at each other?"   Thankfully, he said "No," but I still couldn't shake the feeling. 


Weird. 

Day four

I have noticed that many of my dreams involve people from work, or take place at work, in a very mundane, day-to-day manner.  I will dream about an interaction with someone that easily could have taken place, but didn't.  Other work dreams clearly tap into anxieties or frustrations that center on certain people.  These seem difficult to relate as they are brief snippets of a dream-day, that would be just as interesting as me sharing those same brief snippets of real life-day.

One dream last night was more out of the ordinary, however.  I was in the classroom with M.  Suddenly an incredibly violent windstorm kicked up.  The windows in the classroom were open (M. used to always open the window by her desk) so we could feel and hear the storm.  It was exciting, but also scary.  It is jarring to be with kids when they are very frightened and you are slightly nervous as well.  That was the energy in the room. I felt pretty confident that everything was going to be fine, but the wind was so intense, and we could feel the building shake, that my confidence was beginning to waver a bit.

The other dream I remembered while on my run, so quite a while after I woke up. Jesse wanted to go see our friends Dave and JJ to find out if one, or both, of them were going to have a bachelor party before their wedding. We drove all the way to west side to ask them.  When we showed up at their apartment, they were just arriving as well so we talked in the hallway.  They were surprised by the visit but more surprised that Jesse was inquiring about a bachelor party.  From the vagueness of their respective responses, things like "we don't really have the money" and "we don't really do stuff like that anymore" I could tell they were lying. I felt bad for Jesse, but in their defense, no one in their right mind would ever think Jesse would have any interest in attending such an event...probably not even his own.  One part of me was angry with them for lying and another part wondering why I thought it was a good idea to drive all the way to Santa Monica to have this conversation. Dave could tell I knew he was lying, but Jesse didn't seem to catch on, therefore I was trying to navigate the situation.  Should I say something? Let it go? Then JJ (who incidentally looked nothing like JJ, rather a muscular Latino man with long flowing dark hair) locked them out of the apartment, which was enough to change the subject and ended the dream.

Day Three

I know I had many dreams last night, but I only really remember the one right before I woke up.

I was in a car, in the backseat, with this student from school.  He isn't a child in my class, but he is very much a presence in the school.  The car was being driven by one of the parents of a girl in my class. I'm not sure where we were going.  I was barefoot and my feet were filthy. They were all black and grimy and I was becoming increasingly self conscious of them.  I noticed I had a blister, it was huge and ready to burst. I was afraid if I popped it, the liquid on the inside would also be black. I also knew I should pop it soon so it it didn't pop on it's own later. Then I started cleaning my feet with a washcloth, but I didn't have any water, so I had to just wipe them.

Eventually the car took us to UCLA.  The people in the car were different, I was no longer with that child or parent.  We were driving through the campus and I kept saying how beautiful the campus was and I how much I had always loved it. (I have spent a little time on that campus, but not enough to have such an emotional reaction upon seeing it.)  It was gorgeous though, if not a little over the top.  All the buildings were brick with huge windows and faced a central courtyard.  It looked similar to old timey London in A Christmas Carol, though it wasn't snowing. In the courtyard there were cherub and angel statues everywhere. In my dream I thought they were so beautiful (as I'm remembering it now though, it was completely ridiculous) and I kept fantasizing about going back to school so I could spend all my time in this place. Some guy, who I thought might be hitting on me, offered to give me a tour of one of the buildings right before I woke up.

As I am writing this and reflecting about the first part of this dream, I am recalling elements of a dream that I had earlier in the night.  I will spare you the details but just say that this early-in-the-evening dream also involved control - or lack there of - of bodily fluids and functions.  Another curious note is that the child in the car was a boy name Sigmund.  It is certainly interesting that one of the only recognizable faces in my dream would share the name of one of the most famous thinkers on the subject of the unconscious mind.  Maybe I'm thinking about all of this too much!

Day Two

There are four that I remember from last night, however, I'm not sure of the order anymore.

1. A co-worker, B., was missing.  She had missing for a while, and I knew it and had been searching for her but for some reason it was a secret that she was missing. As other people from work started to find out and panic, I was getting upset that the secret was out. *I watched Bridesmaids last night, I think this may have evolved from the scene where the bride goes 'missing' right before the wedding.

2. A co-worker, M., and I were getting ready to watch a performance at the school (First Friday).  M. kept talking really loudly into her phone, drawing all the attention to her. I was embarrassed but also shocked because it was so unlike her to be doing something like that. But then we started giggling, making more of a scene. I was totally conscious of my boss being there, but couldn't stop laughing.

3. Me and a group of people were being chased through a city. None of the people or the city were familiar to me at all. We kept hiding in these old building, one was a church, but then whoever was chasing us would find a way to corner us and we'd have to figure out how to get away and continue running.

4.  I was at the house of one of my closest friend's from middle school.  This was my 'bad' friend, in that we would sneak cigarettes and go hang out with boys at the mall.  I was waiting for her (as an adult) and her family to arrive at the house we used to hang out as kids.  I was in the house looking around. I think I was looking for food.  I was noticing all the things that had changed and what had stayed the same. When she finally came in, we were so happy to see each other. Then she left, and I remember really wanting to meet her family, but then the dream ended.

Day One

PHEW!

A new month. I actually wasn't sad to see February leave. It was a hard month, but a growth month...and therefore good-as all hard things are I suppose.

March is destined to bring some interesting 'gifts' of it's own.  I have unofficially deemed the next few weeks March Madness at work, as this is the time of year when people start flitting about jobs and contracts and a lot of dust is kicked up, thereby temporarily obstructing our vision, until it settles.  Sometimes it doesn't settle until June. Other times September. Maybe never.

Regardless, it is always simultaneiously entertaining and nerve-wracking.

This hub-bub, which actually began in February, prompted some very interesting dreams for me.  Not hopeful dreams, but actual REM, über-Freudian fodder.  Those who have known me longest know I am an avid dreamer. I have some armchair psychology ideas about people who remember their dreams regularly (which I will spare you from) but it is interesting to note that vivid dreaming seems to run in family. As does sleep walking.

Anyway, I have always considered keeping a dream journal. I actually tried briefly, but it didn't stick. I think, more than anything else, may be an interesting way to reflect on how I process stress.  Many of my dreams are mundane: they are the result of my constant planning at wee hours of the morning. Others are so bizarre, and real, and intense, that they must have some deeper meaning or - at least - insight into my psyche.

So, March will bring a month of dreams. I am going to do my best to document the events of the night before as clearly and articulately as possible. Maybe some patterns will some emerge. Maybe I will inadvertently reveal something very telling about my personality or reveal hidden parts of my subconscious. In any event, it is sure to be...interesting.

With that, last night I had a lot of little dreams about work. I was planning the math project for this current unit (Molly and I pretended to have a cooking show) and I had an idea for the silent auction project (which may or may not actually be be used)

However, the longest and most vivid dream was that I was having a sleepover with two co-workers.  I was searching for clean sheets and blankets for the bed and I was surprised that I found some (because in real life, when I went searching the night before, they were all dirty.)  Then we were all cozying up in a big bed to hang out, suddenly one of the girls' kids were there too. I remembered that her daughters didn't like my dogs and I asked if it was okay if the dogs slept in the bed with us. It was very quickly transitioning from a fun girls night to a crowded bed.  Eventually, we all moved to separate beds, but I was still worried about appropriate bedding for everyone.

I also vaguely remember something about a bicycle shop. (Maybe a reference to another co-worker?)

Take it or leave it.