Day Fifteen

The night before last I did not remember at thing. This morning I had a vague recollection of a snippet, however it involved my yoga teacher again, so it is possible that is a memory from the night before that.

That has been what is so fascinating about this process. I will wake up every morning with varying shades of memories.  Sometimes they are so fresh that I can't imagine forgetting them.  I find myself checking in with my memory, to make sure it is still there for when I have time to sit and write, but more than the memory, what I recall is the feeling. That is how I am able to connect with the memories, is through the emotional response that they trigger. That is wild.

My notes to myself last night were:

Ihop, van, driving, Rae, Britt, climbing ladder, (something undecipherable) and great grandma. Off to the side of the paper is a scribble. I do not know if that was an attempt at writing. Most of my notes conjure only brief images and I remember thinking it was weird to be dreaming about Ihop.

At some point in the day I remembered something that I didn't write down which I haven't forgotten it all day.

Jesse and I were in the front yard with the dogs. They were running around wildly and I kept trying to call them in to the house. They were running very near the street, and the cars driving by, and I was starting to get upset.  We finally wrangled them in and I picked up Bugsy and started carrying him like a baby (that I do from time to time) but then he was a baby. I was holding this little baby, with dark hair and surprisingly dark skin (I mean, assuming it was my and Jesse's baby.)  However, in the dream, I didn't think of the baby as my child. I related to him in the same way as I do the dogs, they're my babies, but not my human babies.  Someone (I'm not sure who) made some comment to the effect of "this is what it will be like when you have a kid."  I think they were referring to the fear surrounding the child getting hurt, but what I really understood was the feeling of holding that tiny little baby in my arms and loving it so deeply.  It was strange, because I had this awareness that the feeling I was experiencing wasn't towards my actual child, so that when that time comes, that feeling will be so much more intense.

I know exactly where this dream came from, there is no question about that.  I am starting to worry however about how fear is a reoccurring theme in my dreams.