[I started to write this last night and then I fell asleep....]
Success?
Today I started the day in a wonderful mood. In fact, one of the kids asked, "Why are you so happy?" This was...endearing, I guess. It also made me a little sad, that I must typically start the day unhappy? Shit. I need to work on that next year.
Considering how much there still needs to happen before Thursday,(then Friday, then Monday, then Tuesday)...I have been making the best of it. At some point, I have to just accept that I need a break, and to not worry about all that I am not doing while taking that break.
Rest is a tricky concept for me, especially when I'm in the thick of end-of-year duties. Rest often feels like a waste of time, but-more and more-I am understanding the benefit of taking even a few hours to rejuvenate before hitting the grind again at 5am.
See you in June.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Day Twenty-five
My self-pity is not worth mentioning...but I have been dwelling a bit. I did make a great 'me' decision yesterday which helped establish some perspective. I went to 'core fusion', an exercise class at the gym. At the very end, during the pseudo-shavasana, the teacher started talking about 'quieting our thoughts.' She explained that when we relax and calm our minds and bodies, we aren't necessarily ridding ourselves of thought, but rather quieting the excess: the noise, the din. She then added 'we are not our thoughts.' This seemed sort of unrelated, but she continued by talking about how all the external stimuli we encounter fosters countless thoughts, which are often negative. Yes, we love, reminisce, and wonder, but we also worry, plan, and judge. Her point was that many of these thoughts are products of the stimuli and that cannot define who we are. I guess by taking the time to eliminate the unnecessary, we may tap into - and nurture - our more 'true' selves.
This is what resonated for me. I harbor a lot of guilt about my thoughts, which lead me toward that shame spiral. It was a liberating idea (particularly for me yesterday) that those thoughts don't have to define me. In the same way that emotions can be fleeting or versatile, and can be accepted and honored as such, so can some of the crazy that I allow in. I don't need to dwell. It doesn't need to fester. I can just acknowledge that it was there and move on.
It is such a simple idea, and yet for whatever reason, was exactly what I needed to hear.
In these last six days I have with the kids, I will run the gamut of emotions: frustration, sadness, worry, hurt, bliss, pride, disappointment, longing...
I'm okay with that.
Now, I need to be okay with the thoughts-the voices that discourage and criticize-(because I never let the positive and encouraging stick around long anyway) hear them, and then let them go.
This is what resonated for me. I harbor a lot of guilt about my thoughts, which lead me toward that shame spiral. It was a liberating idea (particularly for me yesterday) that those thoughts don't have to define me. In the same way that emotions can be fleeting or versatile, and can be accepted and honored as such, so can some of the crazy that I allow in. I don't need to dwell. It doesn't need to fester. I can just acknowledge that it was there and move on.
It is such a simple idea, and yet for whatever reason, was exactly what I needed to hear.
In these last six days I have with the kids, I will run the gamut of emotions: frustration, sadness, worry, hurt, bliss, pride, disappointment, longing...
I'm okay with that.
Now, I need to be okay with the thoughts-the voices that discourage and criticize-(because I never let the positive and encouraging stick around long anyway) hear them, and then let them go.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Day Nineteen
This month has been absolutely, insanely, busy. Considering, I think I have maintained an upbeat outlook on the kids, work, home, and family.
I have so much on my plate that there is really no option but to just smile my way through it. And laugh. What the hell difference is 11 days going to make at this point? I might as well have fun.
It certainly helps that I've taken two days off...much needed, but also necessary in terms of familial responsibilities. I think that has been the key: taking time for myself. Now-that said-I am pretty good at taking time for myself, but I think making the most of that time is the difference. I have been more conscious of 'being in the moment' during yoga, my runs, or even when I go to sleep. This means not making mental lists, planning the next few hours, or analyzing every word I uttered that day. I make a point to just enjoy...and let it be about me.
I've also rediscovered the naps.
I have so much on my plate that there is really no option but to just smile my way through it. And laugh. What the hell difference is 11 days going to make at this point? I might as well have fun.
It certainly helps that I've taken two days off...much needed, but also necessary in terms of familial responsibilities. I think that has been the key: taking time for myself. Now-that said-I am pretty good at taking time for myself, but I think making the most of that time is the difference. I have been more conscious of 'being in the moment' during yoga, my runs, or even when I go to sleep. This means not making mental lists, planning the next few hours, or analyzing every word I uttered that day. I make a point to just enjoy...and let it be about me.
I've also rediscovered the naps.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Day two
If I believed in god, then I would have understood today as a test of faith. While I don't believe in god, I do have a tendency to look for meaning in things I don't understand. To find purpose in that which is challenging for me. I suppose today was that....over and over and over....
I handled myself very well until 3:00. We had a field trip today in which multiple things fell out of place, causing me to want to quickly revert to a negative space. I kept it together though and the day was wonderful. The various last minute snafoos (that continued to rear their ugly heads repeatedly) were confronted and dealt with. Today was an adventure dammit!
Then the day ended in the death of the short-term class pet rat. This was my breaking point. I allowed myself to dive right into that tumultuous self-pity ocean. I didn't have the energy to face this wearing rose-tinted glasses with a glass half-full. I'm still out there, in that ocean. I have not spotted any land, nor do expect to be rescued by a passing ship, but I have found some floaties that will help me through this evening. My mind is so full, so immensely full right now, that it hurts. I have come to a multitude of conclusions about life, people, and myself in this process. I guess this is how I need to make sense of pain and sadness. It may be interesting to one day explore my need to process in this way and why I can't just let something be. Why I have trouble just allowing myself to feel without over analyzing-but I digress. In short, I have allowed my ego to drive my actions this year, hence the emotional wringer I keep moving in and out of. That is what needs to stop now, that is truly what this 29 days is about. I didn't have the exact words last night, but today brought some clarity to my intention, as I cried uncontrollably over our late Little Rat.
Bring it Day three.
I handled myself very well until 3:00. We had a field trip today in which multiple things fell out of place, causing me to want to quickly revert to a negative space. I kept it together though and the day was wonderful. The various last minute snafoos (that continued to rear their ugly heads repeatedly) were confronted and dealt with. Today was an adventure dammit!
Then the day ended in the death of the short-term class pet rat. This was my breaking point. I allowed myself to dive right into that tumultuous self-pity ocean. I didn't have the energy to face this wearing rose-tinted glasses with a glass half-full. I'm still out there, in that ocean. I have not spotted any land, nor do expect to be rescued by a passing ship, but I have found some floaties that will help me through this evening. My mind is so full, so immensely full right now, that it hurts. I have come to a multitude of conclusions about life, people, and myself in this process. I guess this is how I need to make sense of pain and sadness. It may be interesting to one day explore my need to process in this way and why I can't just let something be. Why I have trouble just allowing myself to feel without over analyzing-but I digress. In short, I have allowed my ego to drive my actions this year, hence the emotional wringer I keep moving in and out of. That is what needs to stop now, that is truly what this 29 days is about. I didn't have the exact words last night, but today brought some clarity to my intention, as I cried uncontrollably over our late Little Rat.
Bring it Day three.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Day One
I had no idea what to do this month.
I still don't a little bit. I had one idea, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.
I've been a bit of a self-pity spiral lately. Well, spiral may be an exaggeration, more like roller coaster. This has mostly to do with work. It is rather alarming how much work affects every part of my being. In some way this is to be expected, the nature of being a teacher I suppose, but sometimes I think maybe I am focusing too much energy. I feel guilty saying that, because as someone who spends their day with children, is there such a thing as too much giving? When we begin to give less, is that when we become worse teachers? This has been just one part of my personal struggle of late.
Also, I take things too personally. This may have to do with my warped narcissism, but whatever it is, it is exhausting. I exert a vast amount of mental energy dissecting a single interaction, analyzing each action and reaction, then developing a follow-up plan in hopes that I can implement it the next day. Maybe this makes me a good teacher, but it also makes me crazy. The result is such that when I feel like I have failed my lows are very low. I then stew in insecurities and self-doubt...hence the roller coaster.
And this is just work. Then if you add in layers of home, family, money, and so on...
However, it seems that how things are going at work are my litmus test for everything else in my life. Say what you will about dedication to my job-that is not fair, to me or the kids. My personal gauge is the lottery. If I had a 'Lottery' day, it means that if I found out I won the lottery, I would make like a bat out of hell as soon as I found out, regardless of time of day. I find solace in my daydream of walking out of the classroom with a big old "Peace out folks!" or calling in at 5:00am to say "Not coming in today, or tomorrow..." This makes me feel like a bad teacher. I also have the days where I get paid and I think "Oh yeah....I don't do it for free." Lately, I have had more 'Lottery' days than 'Do it for Free' days, and that makes me incredibly sad.
There are five weeks left of school...barely. In actuality it's 23 days. I have 23 more days with these kids and then they are out of my life. Today, I felt good about that; but I don't want to be hopefully counting down the days. I want to be cherishing these last moments with them, enjoying each and every minute, because they are literally our last. So, I will (desperately try to) make the most of the last days with the kids. I will accept what I have no control over and focus my energy on what I can. This will involve not taking things so personally, be they stinging words from a child or subtle actions that bruise my ego. I will remind myself that they are 8, 9, and 10 and that, for these remaining few weeks, I am doing the very damn best I can, like I'm doing it for free.
I still don't a little bit. I had one idea, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.
I've been a bit of a self-pity spiral lately. Well, spiral may be an exaggeration, more like roller coaster. This has mostly to do with work. It is rather alarming how much work affects every part of my being. In some way this is to be expected, the nature of being a teacher I suppose, but sometimes I think maybe I am focusing too much energy. I feel guilty saying that, because as someone who spends their day with children, is there such a thing as too much giving? When we begin to give less, is that when we become worse teachers? This has been just one part of my personal struggle of late.
Also, I take things too personally. This may have to do with my warped narcissism, but whatever it is, it is exhausting. I exert a vast amount of mental energy dissecting a single interaction, analyzing each action and reaction, then developing a follow-up plan in hopes that I can implement it the next day. Maybe this makes me a good teacher, but it also makes me crazy. The result is such that when I feel like I have failed my lows are very low. I then stew in insecurities and self-doubt...hence the roller coaster.
And this is just work. Then if you add in layers of home, family, money, and so on...
However, it seems that how things are going at work are my litmus test for everything else in my life. Say what you will about dedication to my job-that is not fair, to me or the kids. My personal gauge is the lottery. If I had a 'Lottery' day, it means that if I found out I won the lottery, I would make like a bat out of hell as soon as I found out, regardless of time of day. I find solace in my daydream of walking out of the classroom with a big old "Peace out folks!" or calling in at 5:00am to say "Not coming in today, or tomorrow..." This makes me feel like a bad teacher. I also have the days where I get paid and I think "Oh yeah....I don't do it for free." Lately, I have had more 'Lottery' days than 'Do it for Free' days, and that makes me incredibly sad.
There are five weeks left of school...barely. In actuality it's 23 days. I have 23 more days with these kids and then they are out of my life. Today, I felt good about that; but I don't want to be hopefully counting down the days. I want to be cherishing these last moments with them, enjoying each and every minute, because they are literally our last. So, I will (desperately try to) make the most of the last days with the kids. I will accept what I have no control over and focus my energy on what I can. This will involve not taking things so personally, be they stinging words from a child or subtle actions that bruise my ego. I will remind myself that they are 8, 9, and 10 and that, for these remaining few weeks, I am doing the very damn best I can, like I'm doing it for free.
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