If I believed in god, then I would have understood today as a test of faith. While I don't believe in god, I do have a tendency to look for meaning in things I don't understand. To find purpose in that which is challenging for me. I suppose today was that....over and over and over....
I handled myself very well until 3:00. We had a field trip today in which multiple things fell out of place, causing me to want to quickly revert to a negative space. I kept it together though and the day was wonderful. The various last minute snafoos (that continued to rear their ugly heads repeatedly) were confronted and dealt with. Today was an adventure dammit!
Then the day ended in the death of the short-term class pet rat. This was my breaking point. I allowed myself to dive right into that tumultuous self-pity ocean. I didn't have the energy to face this wearing rose-tinted glasses with a glass half-full. I'm still out there, in that ocean. I have not spotted any land, nor do expect to be rescued by a passing ship, but I have found some floaties that will help me through this evening. My mind is so full, so immensely full right now, that it hurts. I have come to a multitude of conclusions about life, people, and myself in this process. I guess this is how I need to make sense of pain and sadness. It may be interesting to one day explore my need to process in this way and why I can't just let something be. Why I have trouble just allowing myself to feel without over analyzing-but I digress. In short, I have allowed my ego to drive my actions this year, hence the emotional wringer I keep moving in and out of. That is what needs to stop now, that is truly what this 29 days is about. I didn't have the exact words last night, but today brought some clarity to my intention, as I cried uncontrollably over our late Little Rat.
Bring it Day three.
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