Day One

I had no idea what to do this month.

I still don't a little bit. I had one idea, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

I've been a bit of a self-pity spiral lately.  Well, spiral may be an exaggeration, more like roller coaster. This has mostly to do with work. It is rather alarming how much work affects every part of my being. In some way this is to be expected, the nature of being a teacher I suppose, but sometimes I think maybe I am focusing too much energy.  I feel guilty saying that, because as someone who spends their day with children, is there such a thing as too much giving? When we begin to give less, is that when we become worse teachers? This has been just one part of my personal struggle of late.

Also, I take things too personally. This may have to do with my warped narcissism, but whatever it is, it is exhausting. I exert a vast amount of mental energy dissecting a single interaction, analyzing each action and reaction, then developing a follow-up plan in hopes that I can implement it the next day. Maybe this makes me a good teacher, but it also makes me crazy. The result is such that when I feel like I have failed my lows are very low. I then stew in insecurities and self-doubt...hence the roller coaster.

And this is just work. Then if you add in layers of home, family, money, and so on...

However, it seems that how things are going at work are my litmus test for everything else in my life.  Say what you will about dedication to my job-that is not fair, to me or the kids.  My personal gauge is the lottery.  If I had a 'Lottery' day, it means that if I found out I won the lottery, I would make like a bat out of hell as soon as I found out, regardless of time of day. I find solace in my daydream of walking out of the classroom with a big old "Peace out folks!" or calling in at 5:00am to say "Not coming in today, or tomorrow..." This makes me feel like a bad teacher.  I also have the days where I get paid and I think "Oh yeah....I don't do it for free." Lately, I have had more 'Lottery' days than 'Do it for Free' days, and that makes me incredibly sad.

There are five weeks left of school...barely.  In actuality it's 23 days. I have 23 more days with these kids and then they are out of my life.  Today, I felt good about that; but I don't want to be hopefully counting down the days.  I want to be cherishing these last moments with them, enjoying each and every minute, because they are literally our last. So, I will (desperately try to) make the most of the last days with the kids.  I will accept what I have no control over and focus my energy on what I can.  This will involve not taking things so personally, be they stinging words from a child or subtle actions that bruise my ego.  I will remind myself that they are 8, 9, and 10 and that, for these remaining few weeks, I am doing the very damn best I can, like I'm doing it for free.