My self-pity is not worth mentioning...but I have been dwelling a bit. I did make a great 'me' decision yesterday which helped establish some perspective. I went to 'core fusion', an exercise class at the gym. At the very end, during the pseudo-shavasana, the teacher started talking about 'quieting our thoughts.' She explained that when we relax and calm our minds and bodies, we aren't necessarily ridding ourselves of thought, but rather quieting the excess: the noise, the din. She then added 'we are not our thoughts.' This seemed sort of unrelated, but she continued by talking about how all the external stimuli we encounter fosters countless thoughts, which are often negative. Yes, we love, reminisce, and wonder, but we also worry, plan, and judge. Her point was that many of these thoughts are products of the stimuli and that cannot define who we are. I guess by taking the time to eliminate the unnecessary, we may tap into - and nurture - our more 'true' selves.
This is what resonated for me. I harbor a lot of guilt about my thoughts, which lead me toward that shame spiral. It was a liberating idea (particularly for me yesterday) that those thoughts don't have to define me. In the same way that emotions can be fleeting or versatile, and can be accepted and honored as such, so can some of the crazy that I allow in. I don't need to dwell. It doesn't need to fester. I can just acknowledge that it was there and move on.
It is such a simple idea, and yet for whatever reason, was exactly what I needed to hear.
In these last six days I have with the kids, I will run the gamut of emotions: frustration, sadness, worry, hurt, bliss, pride, disappointment, longing...
I'm okay with that.
Now, I need to be okay with the thoughts-the voices that discourage and criticize-(because I never let the positive and encouraging stick around long anyway) hear them, and then let them go.
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