Day One

New month. Now what?

I have been thinking a lot lately about children. Do I want them? Will I want them? Will I regret the decision I make, whichever it is? Layered in all this are concerns about what I will be like as a parent. There are some characteristics that I can anticipate - and that I do not like one bit - such as being psychotically overprotective or harboring delusions of my child's grandeur.  Then there are the fears that bring me shame, like 'what if my child is ugly?' or 'what if no one likes him/her?' Basically, I worry about doing the exact thing I set out to not do; that the exact opposite of my intention for my child will happen.

In these moments of imaginary-baby-mommy-relationship stress, I will often reflect on my job as a dog parent.  How am I doing in that department? If they were people, would I be proud of them? Would I think I had done a good job raising them? The answer is usually no. I am sort of a terrible dog parent. I often forget to feed them a meal, I let them eat off the floor, Jesse had to train me to refill their water, I don't ever clean their poop up (which is basically why we don't use the backyard anymore), and - worst of all - I pay very little attention to them. In fact, I have started to notice that I pay attention to them when I want attention. That is like the human fast track to a therapists office.

Over the course of the last school year, I placed to blame on 'time'.  I was very busy and I promised myself, and the dogs, that I would spend a lot of time with them during the summer. I didn't. Going back to work this week, I have been carrying around some shame about this.  This was highlighted when a co-worker shared that he spent his whole summer spending time with his two dogs and how he got to know them better. Ah! This was the tipping point.

For the next 29 days I am going to walk the dogs. I realize that probably sounds very boring and also, not hard. But-I think the dogs went on three walks this whole summer and they usually were because I felt like I needed exercise so I dragged them out into the hot sun for 20 minutes tugging their leashes so I could keep my heart-rate up. If they were human children, they would be taken from me.

So, 29 days of selfless commitment to my dogs. I want to reconnect with their oddball personalities, let them explore the world beyond our house, find solace in just being with them.  To be fair (to me) I did do this in the puppy phase, I have just let it slip a bit.  I have become lazy in my parenting and rely too much on their unconditional love of me. It is time I showed them that in return.

So here's to Bugsy and Oskar and lots of leash time.