Day One

I have been mulling over what this month would bring me. Having started school, therefore spending my days with a lot more people than I had for three months, I became increasingly aware of my negativity. Now, I have always been a bit of a negative person-at least in regards to other people.  I am prone to unfair judgments of others, dwelling on things that irritate me about a person, or not giving people a chance, or second chance. It is something I have been actively working on for about two years. At some point I realized that in order to be a happier person, I needed to stop thinking such awful things about others.

Anyway, I surprised myself returning to work at how many negative thoughts I would have throughout the day. Also, it seemed to be particularly with people I know, but not very well. Not strangers, not friends, but people whom I know well enough to feel that I am able pass judgement but not well enough to care that I may be being unfair.  That is really terrible. What is interesting though, is that it wasn't the thoughts themselves I would notice, but my immediate subsequent thought of telling someone else. I became aware of my own nastiness through the realization that I wanted to share it with others! I am very embarrassed about this, especially since I really thought I had made a lot of progress opening my heart and mind to others. Or worse, maybe I have...Jesus, I must have been truly awful then.

This got me thinking about how 'good' I am about finding the bad, annoying, or frustrating elements of other people,  My fear is that it does not stop at people, but the day in general. During my walks with the dogs, when I would have these rosy, love-moments with the world, I thought maybe it would be healthy to find just one thing a day that makes me smile. I thought I could make that my focus, rather than some of the pettiness I can be drawn to. I resolved to make this my next twenty-nine day project...but then today in yoga, my teacher said something truly inspiring:

She began the class talking about the 'buzz' that this October is one of the rare months where there are five Saturdays and five Sundays in the month.  Supposedly this only happens every 843 years, however she pointed out that this isn't true-it happens about every 14-and I seem to recall it happened once already this year (thank you Facebook.) Anyway, this 'phenomenon', according to Feng Shui, is supposed to generate a lot of good luck. The focus of the class then was generating our own luck-our own good fortune-rather than ascribing to superstition.  But, in the spirit of the rarity of the 5 and 5 occurrence, we did five of everything: five ohms, five sun salutations, five twists, five balances, five handstands, five back bends...you get the idea.

I thought then maybe - considering my ability to find many things to not like or not be happy about - I should up the ante a little and, each day, find five things that make me happy.  One is too easy.  Now, I don't want to give the impression that I have trouble finding things to be happy about. In fact, quite the opposite. There are many things (people, stuff, moments, sounds) in my life that each and everyday I think about how much I appreciate and love tremendously. The problem though, is that I am not sharing any of that with other people. I, for some reason, think that Jesse wants to hear all of my mean thoughts rather than my gushy ones. That is some flawed thinking.

So, I am committing to documenting and sharing five things that made me happy, or simply made me smile, over the course of the day. I hope the space needed in my heart and brain for such thoughts will push out some of that negativity.

Today's Top Five:

1. My yoga teacher finally asked me to demonstrate after soooo long.

2. A woman in my yoga class who was hootin' the whole time. It was her first time to yoga and she found many of the poses very challenging, and painful.  Usually, people keep their expression of difficulty minimal; a grunt or heavy breathing, but she was "Oh God!" and "Your're killing me!" It was hilarious. I don't laugh out loud in yoga often, but today I did.

3. Homemade dinner. Jesse hasn't cooked for me in a while. (Woe is me, right?) but typically, when he doesn't cook, it also means we don't spend time together. If he is too tired to cook, then he is too tired to hang out as well and so he retreats to the computer. So tonight a meal, and an evening, with my man.

4. Found  a cool book at the book store and indulged myself and actually bought it. I usually just think about it for a long time then walk away.

5. A Mexican birthday party for a three year old. It was a mellow, back yard, home cooked meal affair. I'm always struck by families who love each one another so dearly. Even though I know there is sub layer of drama in everyone's lives, watching this family be together is absolutely wonderful. And the relaxed, unpretentious nature of just hanging out in the backyard, drinking, grilling, chatting. It is everything I want for my one-day family. There was so much love in the air and to be part of it, to be welcomed by it, was humbling and inspiring. I kind of think this should count as more than one thing that made me happy, because it made me happy on so many levels.